Mailmen are basically reverse garbagemen.
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*Watching tv*
Him: wtf are you eating?
Me: Cotton candy. *stuffing more in my mouth* The attic is full of it but I think it’s stale.
I thought I was getting myself a new couch but apparently I was getting my dog a new bed
My kids and I play this fun game where I wake up early to enjoy a coffee alone and they wake up earlier to make sure that I don’t
Write a suicide note on Facebook and they try to talk you out of it.
Write a suicide note on Twitter and they correct your grammar.
I bought a metal detector.
Beach better have my money.
No one lies to themself more than the person that says they’ll do the dishes after they “relax for a little bit”.
She just assumed the chocolates I brought to the date were hers and not my pre dinner snack.
This anagram machine is out of order.
Obama sure is waiting until the last minute to take everyone’s guns.
If the government keeps doing nothing for much longer, it will get its own reality show on E!
Me: my biggest strength is listening attentively
Interviewer: ok but I asked what you knew about the company
me: “im confused, run that by me again”
doctor: “you do not need to bring your cat to the hospital, that’s just what we call the machine”
Apparently this isn’t a nude beach. This isn’t a beach at all. I’m at Target. Don’t do drugs kids.
Make people question sincerity by adding quotations to your cards:
“Thank You”
Get well “soon”
“Congratulations” on the “baby”
When a man gets married he has a moral obligation to scare his wife when he sneezes.
Me: I can’t come in. I got food poisoning last night.
Boss: Oh no. Did you throw up?
M: Yup
B: What did you eat?
M: 17 beers
B: …
[Meeting]
CEO: as u can see [points to graph w laser] we-
BUSINESS CAT:[comes flying across table & just crashes right into a photocopier]
I don’t like to wear workout clothes. When people see me jogging they probably think “Why is he wearing boots? Why is he jogging at night? It’s way too hot to be wearing a ski mask. Is that an exercise knife?”
I’ll straight up play reindeer games with a squid and squid games with a reindeer I really don’t give a shit anymore.
When I canceled my gym membership, I had to submit a too weak notice
whats the most professional email sign off that implies if you have to follow up in any way you’re prepared to put the recipient in a wood chipper? for me it’s thanks.
co-worker: ok who put seafood in the microwave
me: oh sorry does my lobster smell
co-worker: no he’s pinching people
Priest: “We are gathered here today to mourn the passing of-
*looks at the casket suspiciously*
Erwin Schrödinger.”
My husband likes a hot breakfast on Sunday, so I lit his cornflakes on fire.
Left my phone in my 1yo’s room during his bedtime and snuck back in to get it. Then, left my phone in my 3yo’s room during her bedtime and snuck back in to get it. I am both winning parenting and losing my mind
SOOTHSAYER: beware the ides of march
CAESAR: what sayst thou to me now? speak once again
SOOTHSAYER: beware the ides of march
CAESAR: wtf does ides mean
SOOTHSAYER: 15th
CAESAR: say 15th then
[watching The Silence of the Lambs]
Me: Hear that?
Her: No
Me [trying to impress her, leaning in close]: That’s the lambs
Wrong Way Do Not Enter seems like a weird name for a street.
friend: thanks for all ur help
me:(forgot the phrase “its my pleasure”) i will pleasure myself about it
Interviewer: “Are you proficient with Microsoft Office?”
Interviewee: “Word.”