*maintains eye contact while checking ‘Dating Librarians For Dummies’ out from the library.
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Sometimes I put my phone down and do things with two hands, like in the olden days.
Welcome to Yoga class. You’ll slowly ease into half splits, and then you’ll remain there for the rest of your life.
Using the phrase “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger,” only shows that you’re unoriginal and know nothing about spinal cord injuries.
[mall food court]
Me: *stomach rumbling* OMG not now
Brain: Too bad you hate using public washrooms
My White Undies: Sweet baby jesus no
[Pulling brother’s life support plug]
*whispers in ear*
“This is for that time you cheated at Monopoly.”
what idiot named them vampires instead of hemogoblins. pretend it’s ten years ago. enjoy yourself
Just finished my first painting.
Tasted awful.
last day before retirement cop: I’ve been shot!
suddenly encased in jelly cop: mmphht
Upon finding I was going to the dentist to have a tooth pulled, I did what any 6 year old would do and armed myself with rocks that I threw at him as soon as he came in
I ended up getting a spanking AND my tooth pulled but no way was I going down without a fight.
WIFE: Why do you waste money on useless things?
ME: [scraping the S and H off the side of my new School Bus] Maybe useless to you Sharon
You should never donate to people that collect money for marathons.
They just take your money and run.
[reading an e-book]
ME: Nice.[reading an eeeEeeeeEeeeee-book]
DOLPHIN: Nice.
I’m going to go to a carpet store and act like “Crystal Mauve” is a color that everybody knows.
the eight spiders I swallowed last year have woven together the microplastics inside me to create a tiny starship enterprise and are zooming towards my brain as we spe
I like listening to Phil Collins in the shower. He gets creeped out when he sees me, though.
Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: “Does this taste funny to you?”
“This is the funniest video on the internet right now”
Me: Sees Video
Me: Checks Internet
me: I’m cold can I wear your hoodie
grim reaper: no
Good news! I got the new restraining order today. So if anyone needs a stalker I’m available. I have mad stalking skills plus references.
good morning, this is your captain speaking. my parents made sure that from a young age i understood that there are things worse than death.
“I really thought by now we’d all have robots,” he wrote, typing on a small device containing the sum of the world’s knowledge.
“I’m an actress”
I watched your web series, and I disagree.
Hearing those four little words always makes my day.
“Your order just shipped.”
I see what percentage you guys leave your phones on, how the hell are you gonna expect electric cars to get you anywhere.
Her: You’re so possessive.
Apostrophe: Only sometimes, Brenda.
Oh I’m heartbroken over you
Wait, no I was just thirsty, I’m fine
I have been successfully sitting in chairs for over 40 years without falling off–a skill I apparently didn’t pass on to my boys.
God: You have been freed from the shackles of corporeal form, my son. All of time and space are yours to experience. What will you do?
Spirit me: Probably just hang around my old apartment and make an occasional weird noise at night.
Whey they go low, I go high*
*can’t bend over due to age
Between the potato masher and the apple slicer, it’s a wonder my kitchen drawer opens.
Correction: It doesn’t.