*maintains eye contact while slowly putting in ear buds as you’re talking to me*
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My Dad: So then you just like *smushing together a bird stuffed animal and a bee stuffed animal while making kissy noises*
Me: OK, got it. They’re all waiting, can I go get married now?
I’ve updated my will…
“Being of sound mind, I spent it all.”
finished mowing the grass, thus solving the problem once and for all
Told my friends that I was qualified to give them Botox injections. I raised a few eyebrows.
[restaurant]
ME: Bottle of shiraz pls. It’s my birthday
WAITER: Your birthday? It’s on the house
ME: [looking up] Do you have a ladder or
WIFE: can you put the baby to sleep
ME: *trying to get the baby in a chokehold* his head’s too small it’s not working
As a responsible parent, I gave my kids a healthy breakfast of strawberries w/ milk & a little sugar…
frozen.
OK IT WAS ICE CREAM!
FitFam?
Your Harvard education doesn’t make me respect you more – it makes me respect Harvard less.
Keep your friends close and your enemies wrapped in plastic ready for that long drive to the desert.
i asked myself if i was crazy and we all said no stop playin w me
I didn’t say I don’t believe in god, I’m just asking if he has any control over the powerball
Years after finishing high school I now know the true importance of punctuation signs
They are for making cute smiley faces
(^_^)/
so i guess the opposite of dateline would be friendzonesquiggle.
Doctor’s office: “Can you fax us your information?”
Me: “Let me get a rock and chisel to write down your fax number.”
It’s the year 2057, humans are shaped like candy canes from years of looking down at their phones. Striped-clothing is always in fashion.
Hotline for families: 407-246-4357 #Orlando
WIFE: Did you buy eggs?
ME: Even better. I bought a goat.
W: How is that better?
M: *stares confusedly for a full minute* How is it not?
[crane rental company]
Customer: *holding 25-pound bird* what the hell is this
If you ever wondered how long it takes for an over-heated microwave burrito to cool off, the answer is 37 days.
My wife [sexily] – “why don’t we…turn out the light?”
Me, a moth – “no”
“I’m practicing self care” I scream at the buffet waitress as she tries to wrench a whole steam tray full of lobster from my hands
boss: my secretary said you needed to see me urgently.
me confident I’ll get the raise I want because I found out his gamer tag: that’s right punished_gordon.
There are 3 types of pain… 1.) Pain. 2.) Excruciating Pain. 3.) STEPPING ON A LEGO!
*gently releases can of tuna into the ocean*
Go ahead, Little Buddy! You can do this!!!
I remember when I used to play hard to get.. now I’m like hi i love you, ring size 4.5, my uterus is healthy, please marry me.
[Dragging 3 whining kids through mall] No thank you, mall kiosk employee, I’m not interested in trying “something amazing for my hair.”
My neighbor was yelling at her kids so I joined in by repeating everything she said.
8: [looking at a picture list of US presidents]. Why are they all SO OLD?
14: because you have to be old to be the president. Like, 40 and older.
me, 40: what in the shit did you just say?
72% of dog ownership is asking “what’s in your mouth” and expecting a response
The field sobriety test was going ok until I grabbed two traffic cones and did a Madonna impersonation.