[maintains eye contact while slowly rearranging the dishwasher]
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Not to brag, but I’m NOT going to buy a fitness machine, like a Peloton, only to have it turn into a clothing rack.
I’m going to eat until I reach the point where I, myself, am the large, stationary clothing rack in the corner of a room.
My kid can’t remember if it’s “heck” or “hell” that he’s not supposed to say in school, so he’s been switching between them both and I’ll just go ahead and pencil in a meeting with his teacher now
The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, and wiser people so full of intoxicants.
me: how much gas do i have?
car: empty.
me: ok but HOW empty?
Women that date guys with bad grammar are the goodest.
Me: I really like her. What should I do?
Friend: Give her the time of day.
[Later]
Her: Hey.
Me: It’s 2 PM.
me: the most exercise I get is from sex
friend: but you’re so out of shape
My husband is extra efficient.
He leaves cabinets open for next time.
When we got married, my wife had her last name legally changed to mine, and my name was apparently changed to “Is that what you’re wearing?”
* Dentist is singing along to a Maroon 5 song as he’s drilling in my mouth.
Me: (holds up finger to pause)
Can you turn that up?Dentist: The music?
Me: No. The drill.
Dentist:
*holds up gun*
GIVE ME ALL YOUR HONEY!Bank: You mean money?
*giggles*
Oh, bother…– Pooh robbing a bank
Lost the library card. Been missing over a month.
Went and got a new library card.
Came home, put library card in a safe place and found old library card in the same spot.
The Whole Foods next to this movie theater is perfect if you want to sneak in your own snacks, but don’t want to save a lot of money.
BABY FROZEN STEAK: mommy is he coming back
MOM STEAK: no honey—get some sleep
[rocky walks into the freezer]
ROCKY: time to punch some meats
Ok, but like, how married are you?
Don’t ask me! I’m 48 and still refer to it as a Choo-Choo Train.
Over 40 means you go to the bathroom one more time “for good measure”.
[first day in hell]
Me: *opening google maps* better find this “special place” they said was here for me
[skydiving with my dog]
Me: ur ears r inside out
My dog: can’t hear u my ears r inside out
Me: it’s the wind
My dog: I think it’s the wind
When you have the opportunity to become a bigger person, take it because cake is delicious.
Why do people wax their surfboards? A hairy surfboard is a natural and beautiful thing.
Your friends will stand by you even when you’re at your worst because people are stupid
why is it spelled “camouflage” and
not .
This is the angriest post I’ve seen on Twitter in a long time.
wife: I want you-
me: [takes off clothes]
wife: -to do the laundry
me: [puts them in washer]
when my daughter asks me how much more dinner she needs to eat to get dessert i like to answer in abstract quantities like ‘the average weight of joy’ or ‘seven sunsets’ to teach her that life often doesn’t make sense and also quit sassing me and eat your peas, kid.
I’m no psychic, but I can tell you that your kid is never going to finish that half-eaten cup of ice cream you put in the freezer.
Hi I’m making some changes in my life if you don’t hear from me you are one of them.
Me: [arguing with Tom Cruise] OMG JUST PICK A POSSIBLE MISSION
Captain Hook hated Paper Scissors Rock since he could only play Question Mark, which had no value in the game.