me: time for sleep 🙂
my brain: WHAT IS THE NOG IN EGG NOG??
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WIFE: Your tree puns make me sick
ME: Well you make me sycamore. Why don’t you leaf.
Wife: Did you hear the water park went out of business?
Me: Oh no!
Wife: What?
Me: Bankruptsea!
People who say they are “comfortable in their own skin,” scare me because I wonder how they know what it’s like to wear someone else’s skin
Women. Can’t live with em, can’t live without titties.
My very high friend said “Imagine if cats got really big” and I said “Like tigers?” and he got very quiet.
[Shipwrecked diary]
Day 1: I found a pen, and a notebook to write in. More pens. I might be in a Staples. Printer paper. I’m in a Staples.
If dolphins are so smart why do they still live in the water
wife: *handing me a bowl of raspberries* we have to eat these before they go bad
me: that is true of literally every food
Customer: I’d like to buy some chicken soup with matzah balls
Me: Sorry, we only take cash or credit
Manager: Can I talk to you
If they ever find my body next to a treadmill, just know that I was murdered somewhere else and my body was dumped there.
“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”
Cinderella is the creepiest fairytale when you start to contemplate what kind of craziness she has going on with her feet that her shoes won’t fit even one single other person in the entire kingdom.
*limbos under the caution tape
girl: i’m way into philosophy
me: who is ur favorite philosopher
girl: Hume
me: sorry whom is ur favorite philosopher
went to the beach and pissed on a jellyfish before it had chance to sting me
Pronounces Canada like armada and i’m not from there so obviously i’m not sorry.
If you never milked a dead horse or got stoned from a turnip you don’t know how to mix metaphors. You buttered your bread, now lie in it.
Ordered our meals entirely in French, impressing my date and baffling the Applebee’s server.
Consistent as a McDonald’s ice cream machine
PROSECUTOR: you chipped a golf ball down a clowns throat
ME: i honestly thought that was part of the course
Reverse cowboy is when you scatter the herd and actively promote bandits and wolves to take what they will.
10’s homework question: “Which appliance in your home do you think is the most useful?”
His answer: “My mom.”
At the grocery store and forgot my wife’s list, but no worries I’m sure there’s another dad here that I can copy off of.
Important
When I talk about “my old man” I’m referring to my 19yo son who likes to wake up early, make coffee, check the news and comment “we’ve really needed this rain” while wearing his robe.
Hi. My name is Paul. I have a PhD and tenure. Today I decided to test if a bottle of super glue was open by squirting it into my hand.
Then I tried to clean my hand by wiping it on a box.
not sure how I feel about the depiction of albert einstein in oppenheimer. he’s not even sticking out his tongue
If People Rode Dinosaurs Instead of Walked.
I know it’s dying but it’s difficult for me to let go of this app. I met my wife through Twitter. Who knows what other wives I could meet? Maybe even my second wife.