@CountGripsnatch: *maintains eye contact with coworker while licking a yogurt lid for seventeen minutes*
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@F5X11: I send flowers "From Steve" to my neighbors wife every Friday night, then watch them fight from my living room window while eating popcorn
@alispagnola: There are many different theories about why humans even need to sleep but I'm pretty sure it's to charge our phones.
@JoeBerkowitz: The worst part about killing baby hitler is when you come back and everyone says "who?" but you still killed a baby.
@nbadag: *watching my hamster gnaw on his tiny broadsword* you are a disgrace to your lineage and bring great shame upon this house