Dear Neighbours,
“She’s coming” isn’t a great warning to give when I walk by and you stop talking.
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I’ve just had to let my trousers out.
They wanted to go for a walk and I couldn’t be bothered.
Who the hell is responsible for the abbreviation of “pounds?”
Don’t give your heart to someone unless you’re 100% certain that you’re dead.
Got 3 boxes of tampons, Midol & Ibuprofen at the store. Checker was so scared he paid for my shit & carried it out for me.
You look so comfortable in your own skin. Could I try it on?
GOD: u get powers for one day and this is what u do?
[every animal now has a startle reaction like a pufferfish]
[an obese tiger rolls by]
the matrix is a movie about the hottest people in the world using the computer
“A picture is worth a thousand words.”
–anonymous“A thousand words is for amateurs.”
–children
Turbulence is just God’s little way of telling us we’re NOT BIRDS.
wild how someone lied about how they got pregnant 2000 years ago and now i have an air fryer
Me: *looking through a telescope*: Wow, the universe is so beautiful
God: *placing hands inside black holes*: Thanksssss, it has pockets
It has been proven that Australians watch TV more than any other appliance.
Nothing shows more confidence in humanity that a mom with 4 kids in a drive through not checking the order before she pulls away
Chris Pratt is my favorite actor whose name sounds like if a rodent fell in the McDonald’s deep fryer
If your idea of an “Epic” deal is $5 off then we may have different interpretations of that word, Pottery Barn.
Wife: do not eat a bunch of deviled eggs. We got a 3 hour car ride home.
Me: eh it’ll be fine by then they don’t really bother me.
My guts 2 hrs into said car ride: you’re not gonna believe this…
If I had a twin, whenever someone asked which one of us was older, I’d tell them that we both came out at the exact same time.
When my 5yo brought home a library book called “People Don’t Bite People” I was really hoping this wasn’t a story his teacher recommended for him
[WOLF CUB] Dad, why do we howl at the moon?
[WOLF DAD] Well son, the moon is made of cheese and that’s rad as hell
I distinctly remember back in January saying “I wish I could spend more time home.”
To all of you I deeply apologize for not saying “world peace”.
My Grandpa: killed 17 Nazis and singlehandedly saved his entire battalion in WWII
Me: Sits around all day making up stories about my Grandpa
Groundhog Day
1993 ‧ Comedy/Romance ‧ 1h 41mGroundhog Year
2020/21 ‧ Horror ‧ 10,272days
CASHIER: $57.85
ME: do u accept food stamps
C: of course
M: sweet *presses my apple stamper to an ink pad* which hand do u want it on
rumpelstiltskin: you must guess my name or surrender your first born
barista: *under breath* shit
I wonder if sometimes when a serial killer is digging a new hole in his backyard he ever runs into an old project and thinks wistfully, “oh yeah… that guy.”
Cw: What are you having for lunch?
Me: Unwelcome company it seems.
Veteran Parent Tip:
Buying a bullhorn to loudly announce from your car, “Your Uber driver has arrived!” gives you a 73% greater chance of your teens no longer making you wait when picking them up from a friend’s house
There is no favoritism shown with our pets. The dog gets new toys and the cat gets the box they were shipped in.
You don’t have to drive me crazy, I’m close enough to walk.
Nothing makes sex more awkward than realizing your kid is awake…
and standing outside your door…
and playing the harmonica.