*maintains eye contact with the McDonald’s employee while slowly filling my cargo shorts with free napkins*
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[being dragged out of a Spice Girls concert] AND SPORTY ISN’T AN ACTUAL SPICE EITHER
Starting to think I’m single because of everyone else’s shortcomings.
*speed dating bell rings
Me: Why are you breaking up with me?
*goes into cardiac arrest to avoid small talk with the EMTs*
Singin’ in the Rain is a beloved Oscar-winning classic, but singin’ on the train will get you harsh stares and a six seater all to yourself.
blenders are like “hey use me to make a healthy drink then spend 4 days getting me clean”
How far did I walk away from the sink when I was brushing my teeth? As always, too far.
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a disappointing sandwich.
My iPhone won’t even recognize my fingerprint unless it’s got crumbs on it.
I keep a survival log when I’m forced to fast before bloodwork…so yes I can be a little dramatic when hungry.
“I can’t wait to get inside you,” I flirtatiously whisper to a coffin.
My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it’s the lightning that will kill him.
Stop asking dumb questions on the internet; ask for money.
Don’t mind me, I slept on the wrong side of the bed, spilled a ton of water on me trying to take a sip from the bottle, slipped on a plate which I forgot I left on the floor, and the most tragic of all, I accidentally put on men’s perfume
Inside you are two wolves. One is dressed as your grandmother. The other is huffing & puffing & attempting to blow your house down.
Boss said no more sock puppets during zoom meetings.
What kind of monster makes ultrathin cheese slices?
my daughter has been thrusting her stuffed animals in my face for me to kiss, but I’m being very selective so she learns to have standards
The Hurricane came through here like a tornado
-Lady on the News just now
I don’t want to live on this planet anymore
My cousin is 3 months pregnant and my really old uncle keeps commenting on her pics “woah. any day now, Bernice” and I’m literally crying laughing
What did one tectonic plate say to another when he bumped into the other?
Sorry! My Fault!
Whatever I was born in like 10 mangers
12yo daughter: *SCREAMS*
Me: WHAT?!12yo: A spider!
Me: It’s just a spider12yo: I don’t want it to bite me!
Me: You’ll never be a super hero w/that attitude
if you write “keep it together, man” without the comma you end up creating a new superhero named “keep it together man” and frankly if there’s one guy we need right now it’s him.
Why do Tomb, Comb, and Bomb all have different pronunciations ????
me: hi my name is matt and i’m an alcoholic
AAA: sir this is triple A
me: i know i’m explaining why my car’s in the lake
The human body is 98% water.
So I’m not fat,
Just well hydrated.
I think a Muppet should host the presidential debates
11-year-old: I can’t wait until it’s too cold outside for spiders.
Me: That just means they’ll come inside.
11: No furnace this year.
My granddad just said if I was having trouble getting rid of coffee stains on my teeth I should soak them in Clorox. I had to remind him that my teeth don’t come out