*maintains eye contact with the McDonald’s employee while slowly filling my cargo shorts with free napkins*
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[first date]
OK don’t let her know you’re a snail
Waiter: Would you like some salt?
[flips table over] OH HELL NO [bolts out real slowly]
I arrived early at the restaurant last night. Do you mind waiting for a bit? The manager asked.
Not at all I replied.
Good, take these pizzas to table 6, he said.
brain: bored
me: lots of stuff to do
brain: tired
me: resting is also good
brain: stressed
me: alright man
Found $10 in a pants pocket. It was awkward though because someone was still wearing it.
‘Here Comes Honey Boo Boo’ is the reason I always donate money to Planned Parenthood.
“Stop asking why he doesn’t have a phone. He just doesn’t.”
— Watching Home Alone with my kids
Me: No glove no love.
Gyno: Please don’t make another pap uncomfortable.
[Gets Pulled Over]
Cop: Have u been drinking?
Me: No osiffer
C: What did u call me?
M: I mean orifice
C: …
M: …office chair?
C: Get out
me: I put a siren on your car
cop: what’s that soun–
*an ancient greek ship bursts through the wall*
Wife: Talk sexy to me
Husband: Commencing garment extraction
W: Huh?
H: Initiating trouser disengagement
W: …
H: Removing unmentionables
Creature from outer space tries to elude financial officer who wants his money back.
– Alien Vs Creditor.
You never realize how many people you hate until you try to name a child.
Who decided that the abbreviation for pound should be two letters it doesn’t contain?
My rapper name would be “Iffy Scent”
[catching breath at friends house]
I was being chased by a bike cop so I threw up a left turn signal but actually turned right and it worked
Wife: Can you go pick up a chair I bought on a Facebook group?
Me: What if the seller is a murderer?
Wife: Why do you think I’m sending you?
Coworker: What’s twitter like?
Me: The door handle is broken and the maid is drunk.
Time flies when you throw your alarm clock out the window.
Hubs: Ok boys, pick a number 1-4
3 year old: Lion Gaurd!
5 year old: 5!
So yes, homeschooling is going quite well.
“There’s no eye in Teams” I exclaim turning off my laptop camera
You would think with the whole “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger” that there would be more body builders walking around.
I just saw some idiot at the gym put his water bottle in the Pringle holder on the treadmill.
One reason I love learning other languages is you find out there’s one culture that has a word for like, “the feeling you’re going to put someone else’s silverware away incorrectly and alcohol is a factor” and you get to wonder why that became necessary to express so concisely
Shoulda named my daughter calculus cause damn she’s complicated.
INTERVIEWER: this says u work well with otters. Did u mean others?
ME (shoving a romp of otters back into my briefcase): haha yeah of course
“Hold on lemme just hotbox these bugs so I can steal and eat their goo.” -beekeepers everywhere
Me {sweating profusely}: help! i’m stranded in the dessert!
Him: don’t you mean desert?
Me: {only a hand sticking up from the pudding}
Women in romance books: I know I just met him 3 days ago but I am in love with him.
Me: We’ve been dating for 8 years and I guess I like you.
I went outside without makeup on. A child cried and I think a bird flew into a window on purpose.
Me: *ordering “Boyfriend jeans” online* OMG I can’t wait for them to get here, I wonder what kind of boyfriend they come with!