@SaraMansford: *Maintains eye contact with the soccer mom feeding her kid organic kale chips while giving my kid a snickers bar.
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@GuyAdvisor: Remember, Kids... If you can't say anything nice, well, it's probably hilarious and worth getting into trouble over anyway.
@claudiaa_haleyy: I hate that "You know what to do" voicemail greeting, because if a recently unfrozen caveman calls, I bet that makes him feel pretty bad.
@iheartgunts: I'm actually kind of handsome when you're drunk and the light is low and there's no other dudes around and you have low standards.
@E_lok44: I shaved my legs today and drew the hair back on. I don't get it, eyebrow ladies, I don't get it.