@SaraMansford: *Maintains eye contact with the soccer mom feeding her kid organic kale chips while giving my kid a snickers bar.
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@LackOfShame: Her: Let's just drop it. Me: Fine. Her: Me: Her: I just find it funny how... Me: *opens car door and shoulder rolls out into traffic*
@Brianhopecomedy: UGH, I was planning this big romantic dinner for two and then my wife called to say she'd be home.
@Mr_Kapowski: Coworker: Happy Thanksgiving Eve! Gobble til you wobble! Me: *mutters* How bout you slobble on my knobble CW: What was that? Me: You too
@OfficeofSteve: When I die and doctors perform an autopsy, they'll probably find twenty pounds of stickers off of fruit in my intestines