@SaraMansford: *Maintains eye contact with the soccer mom feeding her kid organic kale chips while giving my kid a snickers bar.
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@pleatedjeans: Gangs should do drive-bys with t-shirt guns it'd be less violent & the shirt could say "you suck" so the target still gets the message
@theroneman: Clyde: I'm looking 4 a partner. What's ur name? "Bonnie" C: That ur real name? "Nope. Jekyll Elizabeth Parker" C: ...Bonnie it is
@TheBeerGuy73: The bank robbery would have ended much better for me if I hadn't stopped on the way out at the ATM to deposit the money.
@man_spach: Starting to fear that all the urgent work emails I LOL'd at and deleted earlier were not actually April Fools' jokes.