@SaraMansford: *Maintains eye contact with the soccer mom feeding her kid organic kale chips while giving my kid a snickers bar.
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@SocialustGal13: My superpower is making red lights turn green simply by trying to write a tweet.
@TheHyyyype: ME: jesus preached about the virtues of forgiveness STUDENT LOAN SERVICER: yeah, still no
@briangaar: Divorce is when you tell someone: Hey I know you better than anyone else on Earth and I'm gonna take a pass