@SaraMansford: *Maintains eye contact with the soccer mom feeding her kid organic kale chips while giving my kid a snickers bar.
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@frogshack: I feel so stupid for believing in Santa Claus. How did I not realize this whole time it was my parents delivering the gifts to everyone in the world
@squirrel74wkgn: "What's funny?" The microwave beeping as you walked backwards. "Why's that funny?" Because large objects beep going in reverse, Diane.
@daemonic3: [cow pushing 5 shopping carts out of store] Ugh, why do I keep shopping for groceries on 4 empty stomachs