Major milestone today — found my first grey pubic hair!
But once I picked it out, the burger tasted pretty decent.
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Thinking about having kids?
Buy a plant.
If you can keep it alive for 18 years, hopefully you’re too old to have kids by then.
You know a Brit’s really mad when they beg your pardon, then suggest something may have escaped your attention, before apologising for being close to losing their patience. Upon reaching boiling point, there’s a chance they’ll give you all due respect before issuing the killer blow of offering you their regards.
[a giant killer salmon is attacking the city]
cop: [throws smoke bomb]
me: “all you’ve done is make him extra delicious you idiot”
Pulled a power move on the neighborhood dads by shoveling my driveway before it stopped snowing
Q: What did the one giraffe say to the other giraffe?
A: “Holy shit I can talk.”
“Hey, smell this.”
-Me, about to chloroform my feral kids before bedtime.
My ex sexually identifies with Ramen noodles, he’s done in 3 minutes
If only the person that named “walkie talkies” had been in charge of naming so many more household objects.
This Valentines, tell them what you actually think of them 💕
“I just died in your arms” sounds much more romantic than “You’re holding a dead body.”
Loan me a couple bucks?
“Sure”
*throws 2 huge deer carcasses on counter*
Dude where did u get those?
“…”
Can I even pay with these?
I see my dentist every six months to make sure my records are up to date for body identification.
If an Elvis impersonator dies, doesn’t he kind of become the best Elvis impersonator
I can really relate to eminem in “8 mile” because my moms spaghetti is really bad too
Opposing counsel licks his thumb every time he turns a page in his file and basically I didn’t even know this rage inside me existed.
Remember the Scooby Doo episode where they put Scooby down and gave Shaggy the death penalty for ripping the face off an innocent person?
In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the little things. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.
How did human beings express empathy before the phrase “that sucks” was coined?
My parents didn’t raise me to be disrespectful. I had to practice.
Therapist: How are you feeling?
Me: Rage
Therapist: What is bringing you rage?
Me: My kids, my husband, the sound the refrigerator makes, the endless laundry, zoom calls and the debilitating fear of contracting Covid-19. Oh and I miss Starbucks and the outside world.
Son: the devil made me do it
Me: what did I say about that
Son: not to call my sister the devil
4-year-old: Can you hold my rubber ducky?
Me: *takes the ducky* Why?
4: I dropped it in the toilet.
“to my son, i leave my bathroom scale” the lawyer sighs “because where theres a will, theres a weigh. to my wife, i leave my last high five”
“so u have no idea what started the fire” the fireman looks at me. i shake my head no. i nervously fidget with my recipe for a thrice baked potato behind my back
trying to act casual so the printer doesn’t realize this is time sensitive
a 3-way standoff between a duck with a laser pointer, a cat with a vacuum cleaner, and a dog with a loaf of bread
[zoo]
GUIDE: i told you not to feed the monkeys
ME: it’s a cigar
Someone at work just yelled “go team” so I reported her for creating a hostile work environment.
Pro tip:
Don’t go to knife fights. Then you never have to worry about what to bring.
INTERVIEWER: what’s your greatest strength?
ME: I’m good at untying knots
INTERVIEWER: oh thank god can u get these running shoes off of me?