Major milestone today — found my first grey pubic hair!
But once I picked it out, the burger tasted pretty decent.
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HER: My daughter is named Nevaeh which is heaven spelled backwards.
ME: *Phone rings* Hold on my son Elohssa is calling
The IRS needs special envelopes for when you’re not in trouble
The first charcuterie board was just improvisation by some dude who didn’t have enough snack bowls.
my toddler lifts up a piece of her salad and declares, “it’s a leaf, mommy.” and then: “let’s put it back outside.”
“It’s because I raised eleven kids in a previous life,” is what I tell people when asked why I don’t have any children.
Me: I would like to summon my daughter and feel her presence once more.
Psychic: Okay. We ask for the daughter to come down and —
Daughter: I’M IN MY ROOM, MOM!
[stuck at home]
son: omg so bored
daughter: omg so bored
wife: omg so bored
me: omg so bored
dog: this is the greatest day of my life
It frustrates me when people refuse to adopt the technology of the day and respond promptly to my faxes.
Me: Ugh! I never know what to say in these situations…
Friend: You say ‘good morning’ back
Her: Wow… You really cleaned up the place
A cockroach with a little bow-tie waddles by
Me: Anything for you baby girl
Me: [covered in chocolate, miniaturized, turning into a blueberry, stumbling out of an incinerator, and floating away] I’ll take the job
Willy Wonka:
No one sleeps with Gandalf because it takes him until first light on the fifth day to come.
[on an airplane]
Me: Is the pilot any good?
Flight attendant: One of the best
Me: [winks] How about the rest of the season?
Can someone just invent a mirror that takes pictures already!
migraine |my-grain|
noun
1 a recurrent severe headache
2 what a farmer shouts in disbelief after a terrible storm destroys his wheat field
And so the devil decided to put the delete key above the send key. The end
Well your honor, I thought handing her the curling iron while she was showering would get her ready faster.
Just watched a squirrel bury a nut. Most entertaining goddamn thing I’ve ever seen. Made Star Wars look like absolute hog shit
Me: You always see zombies eating people but we never see them needing a poop afterwards. Where does the food go?
Therapist: Please. Just stop talking.
If my memory foam mattress really had “memory,” it could write for Penthouse.
Killer: come out come out wherever you are
Me: *hiding*
Killer: omg what a cute puppy!
Me: *jumps out* i wanna see the pup…oh man
[Thanksgiving dinner]
WIFE: These potatoes are burnt to a crisp
ME: Those are for tomorrow
WIFE: Because…tomorrow is Bla-
ME: Black Fry Day
Friend w/o kids: I’m planning a meditation retreat next month.
Me: One of my kids has been shaking a metal tin full of coins FOR AN HOUR.
#MarriedPeopleIssues
You hang up..
No, you hang up…
You hang up….
Noooo, you hang up. They’re your clothes. I’m not your maid.
If you ever have doubts about whether people are stupid, ask a tattoo artist what they’ve had to refuse to do for a customer
Alligators can live for up to 100 years.
So that increases the chance that one will indeed “see you later.”
My eldest nephew is on the spectrum, and his one-liners are iconic.
My mom told him, “I’m disappointed in you.”
He looked at her and replied, “Well, let’s hope you get over that feeling by tomorrow.”
That was 5 days ago. She has yet to provide a proper reply LMFAO
There’s no “u” in narcissist
Fun fact: if you say “I did the math,” nobody argues with you because they don’t want to have to redo the math themselves.
I want to open a coffee shop at the Family Law Court called Grounds for Divorce