I’ll never have the opportunity to Say Yes to the Dress, but I’ll Say Yes to the Cookie like, three times a day. Minimum.
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Twitter. Finally an app that makes people stop at yellow lights.
As I basted the turkey, I swear I heard it say “just not in my hair”
Joan of Arc was great, but nothing compared to her sister, Joan of Circumference, who was a much more rounded person.
in my opinion yamaha is probably the best grand piano/motorcycle company out there
try to describe the hole in the ozone layer without sounding absolutely insane
its a hole in the sky that changes not air to air because we used too much hairspray back in the 80s and now we get skin cancer
I hate it when I’m digging my own grave at gunpoint and I discover buried treasure.
When my wife packs for a trip she basically moves out.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “redacted”
KID: ████████
JUDGE: correct
It’s been a horrible morning so far. My ex got run over by a bus, and I lost my job as a bus driver 🙁
Yes, your honor, he was running from me in a threatening manner. I was in fear of my life.
Noah’s wife: the ark is falling apart
Noah: glue might work, I have an idea
Horse: it’s weird he brought 3 of us
The woman in the next chair is being quite rude to her hairstylist, so I can’t wait to see how the back of her hair turns out.
There is no panic like the panic you feel when you think you may have clogged the toilet at someone else’s house.
No thanks, fantasy football. I already have a fantasy boyfriend, a fantasy sex life & a fantasy bank account.
I’m good.
GOD: A snake that is also a cat lol
ANGEL: What
GOD: Cat snake lmao
waiter: how was your roast duck sir
me: fine, i’ll take the bill now
waiter: sorry sir but we don’t serve that part
me: no no, i need to pay
waiter: your hair looks fine to me sir
me: (singing) it’s the i of the tiger
tger: give it back
Movie makers: keep them under 2.5 hours. Bladders everywhere will thank you.
Why do the models on the catwalks always look so angry? I would have been very happy to get paid to just walk around in fancy clothes.
When my wife gets upset at me I sneak into her Netflix profile and give thumbs up to the most boring documentaries
Crush: what u up to
Me: about to take a shower and listen to music
Crush: nice, what kind
Me: *nervously* one with water
Post more gym selfies so I know who to call when I need to move
Me: You are NOT alone in this pandemic.
Wife: *on the toilet* I really wish I were.
This took me a few seconds.. 😅
I just had to add “velociraptor” to my Microsoft Word dictionary because apparently I missed the dinosaurs expansion pack or something.
1st Date
Me: Just warning you. I get freaky.
Her: Oh yeah? How freaky.?
Me:*thinking of using pizza rolls as a pizza topping* So freaky.
If I were Obama, I’d totally lead with “My fellow Americans, the situation looks popeless.” #SOTU
My “my wife is not having an affair with her karate teacher” headline is raising a lot of questions already answered by my headline.
NICE TO MEAT YOU, I scream as I throw slices of salami at strangers