Make allergy season more exciting by snorting confetti so that every time you sneeze it’s like a little party on your face.
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me: [angrily flipping over table] I TOLD U I HATE BOARD GAMES U CHEATING LITTLE SHIT
daughter: once again, how does one cheat at hungry hungry hippos
you have three unread messages
Bloody Foreigner, coming over here, wanting to know what love is.
I told my kids they could have everything they want from the Amazon toy catalogue all they have to do is cut out the pictures and play with them which worked out great because now they鈥檙e not talking to me so problem solved
santa: make me a hundred thousand PlayStations
elf: *holding only a hammer* how
Yeah, I’d like a job where I can spend more time with my dog.
– me at the employment agency
lmao
supermarket employee [scanning 34 different types of cheese]: you sure do like cheese
me [nervously looking at rat in my pocket aiming a gun]: yes, i do
[tracker kneels and examines spoor]
– A herd of idiots has passed this way but an hour ago.
– How can you tell?
– Look. Fresh nincompoop.
imagine if towels weren’t invented, you’d get out of the shower and just, like… wait
Mom: Where are you?
Me: Mumbai
Mom: Don鈥檛 you hang up on me!
My husband: Okay, bye! I鈥檓 headed to play golf.
My kid: bye, Dada! I love you! We鈥檒l always have our memories.
*walking into Home Depot for 2nd time today*
EMPLOYEE: back again? forget something?
ME: um, you remember if I brought a kid in here with me last time?
never deleting this app.
Did you know that actors in black & white movies often put their lives in danger during driving scenes, as they weren鈥檛 able to tell if the traffic light was green or red.
Steps to survive on a dessert island:
1. check spelling
2. if correct, enjoy
There’s trash talk, then there’s this.
how did people track fundraising before the invention of the thermometer
Good morning to everyone except the sentient computer who locked me out of the space station
My Merriam-Webster app just caught me looking up a definition on Google 馃槵
there鈥檚 a fly on the ceiling that she can鈥檛 reach, so she is intimidating it鈥ith a dissonant chord
Never thought I鈥檇 be the type of person who competes for attention. Then I got a cat.
Whenever 袉 wake up and see that someone has wr褨tten a bunch of funny tweets before noon, 袉 assume they are a morn褨ng dr褨nker.
hr: and who should we contact in an emergency?
me: I guess me
hr: no, like, if the emergency involves you
me: that feels like even more reason to tell me
I want that job where I push scared skydivers out of planes.
Only thing I Iike about kids, is their ability to attract ice cream trucks
[Rumpelstiltskin comes to take first born son]
“Give me what you promised unless you can guess my name”
Here
“Aren’t you going to guess?”
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: watching Doc McStuffins.
Wife: but the kids are in bed.
Me: so?
Wife: aren鈥檛 you a little old to watch cartoons?
Me: aren鈥檛 you a little old to shop at Forever 21?
Wife:
Me:
Wife: so what鈥檚 this episode about?
NURSE: do you have any allergies
ME: burnt bread
NURSE: you’re allergic to burnt bread?
ME: yes I’m black toast intolerant
Dracula is actually one of the funniest books of all time. Jonathan Harkness shows up at Dracula’s castle, Dracula’s like “hey could you write like five letters to your fiance in advance that say you’re fine” and Jonathan is like “weird, but yes absolutely”