@Kyle_Lippert: Make allergy season more exciting by snorting confetti so that every time you sneeze it's like a little party on your face.
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@TheMichaelRock: Her: ID please Me: for? Her: alcohol Me: my beard is almost white Her: still need it Me*whispers* I know why you work at a gas station
@LuvPug: So I was all like Gal-lee-lay-oh And he was all --- And I was Gal-lee-lay-oh And he was --- And that's when I knew it wasn't gonna work out
@bluntphilip: Rich people in movies apparently can't drink scotch without telling everyone how old it is.
@SondraDeeMe: When the cops are at your door have on a cape, carry a wand, and tell them you're a magician when they ask how your boyfriend disappeared.