Make allergy season more exciting by snorting confetti so that every time you sneeze it’s like a little party on your face.
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friend: why do u look sad
me: I have wrongdog
friend: what’s wrongdog
me: *big breath in*
Him: I’d die before I break a promise to you.
Me: Or, very soon after.
6yo: What is a solar eclipse?
Me: Have you ever been outside in the dark?
6yo: yeah
Me: same idea
Tonight a woman showed me a picture of her 6’2, muscled up, super hot 21 year old son, and I calmly said, “What a handsome young man,” instead of “Holy shit,” even though I’d had 3 Cosmopolitans, if anyone is looking to hire a diplomat.
It is WAY TOO EARLY for Christmas music. -people in the year 75 BC
MAN: What are you doing?
ME: [pointing gun at lake] Fishing
MAN: No way will-
SALMON: [walks out of lake with fins up]
GMO bananas: turn brown for what?
i told my roommate i was going on a date tonight, and he goes “let me see what you’re working with” so i did a pose 💅🏽
and he says “not you, the guy” 😭😭
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
I’m so hungry I could eat this piece of paper.
*adds salt to resume*
boss: this company is more profitable than ever
me: how about a raise?
boss: sorry i have to take this call
me: your phone isn’t ringing
boss: [fakes heart attack]
[Trying to find space in a parking lot]
Astronaut: We are severely off course
[comedy club]
Worm: And what’s the deal with dandelion stems? Right? Right?!
Other worms: *silence*
Early bird: *cracking up*
My boss gave me an assignment and told me to “give it the old college try”, so now I’m skipping class and doing a keg stand.
We got a notice at work that a coyote had been spotted on the fitness trail, and I was, like, “Good for him.”
My surgeon is always late, so the anesthesiologist better not be early.
Bananas.
Because you can’t stick a watermelon in a tailpipe.
*gf making spaghetti*
Me: can I get a side of garlic clove with my garlic bread?
Gf: that’s it. You’re not gettin’ any tonight!
Me: sex or clove?? Please say sex, I really need that clove..
This is a baby horse: it can walk 4 hours after it’s born
This is a baby human: don’t touch its head wrong or you’ll bonk its brain
What idiot called it “The Nightmare Before Christmas” and not “A Nightmare on Elf Street?”
3 wishes for when I find a genie:
1. The more I eat the skinnier I get
2. One kid grows up to be a pharmacist
3. Other kid owns a winery
As if it weren’t bad enough being stuck inside this increasingly failing meat chassis, why’s the calcium scaffolding gotta be weakening too?
Phones are getting smarter and thinner. People, not so much.
Snow White is baking a pie with squirrels and chipmunks and there’s not one turd anywhere.
Not one.
Sorry I fell in love when you did your flailing arms dance
The big twist in GODZILLA VS KONG is they both find out their mother’s name is Mothra
Inventor of wicker furniture: I want this to break and injure someone eventually
He said ‘send nudes’ and my first thought was ‘ugh, I just sat down.’
[slight drizzle outside]
Other motorists: oh no ah what is this wetness I forget how to drive
Wife: You’re so lucky, I’m like a trophy wife!
Me: Wow, I’d hate to see what they gave to the second place guy.