@StellaRtwot: Make any conversation awkward by pulling out and starting a stopwatch without saying why you're doing it.
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@intellegint: GIRLS: if your boyfriend lives in a jar with a few pieces of grass, a leaf and a little twig. Congrats, you're dating a bug.
@NewDadNotes: [parking garage] FBI: got the file? Me: [attempts to whistle but spits on Agent] FBI: for the last time that’s not Whistleblowing
@mikefossey: (I get an amber alert for a missing child) OK its my time to shine (I get in my car and back out without looking and instantly hit the kid)
@McGunnersite: We are gathered here today because Somebody "glares at coffin " couldn't stay alive.