@StellaRtwot: Make any conversation awkward by pulling out and starting a stopwatch without saying why you're doing it.
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@Reverend_Scott: *rubs magic lamp, genie appears* I wish for World peace. Genie: Can't do it. Million dollars? Genie: Listen bro, I lied on my genie resume.
@CockSnake: Girlfriend: "I'm pregnant" Me: "Really? Thats great." GF: "April Fo--" *I'm already on a plane to a non extradition country*
@cowyfwame: I just don't understand why Flo from Progressive needs to have an apron on to sell car insurance.