Make bowling your first date. If he rents small shoes and jams his fingers in the wrong holes don’t bother with a second.
You Might Also Like
waiter: “anything to drink?”
4 year old: “my mom needs a fucking margarita”
So, yeah, they’re always listening.
I bet dogs have a really hard time playing Twister
Left paw: grey
Other left paw: darker grey, but not the darkest grey. Sort of in between
[trying to remove items separately from the washing machine]
laundry: you will not divide us we are one entity now FEAR US
when you wait until you’re practically crowning to take a pregnancy test
Luke Skywalker: What are you dressing as for Halloween?
Yoda: WITCH, I MIGHT BE
I thought Coachella was a bone in the ear.
Why did Shrek go with Smashmouth’s All-Star and not Roxette’s “It Must’ve Been Love (But It’s Ogre Now)”
Astronauts are cowards, why don’t you stay down here and face earth’s problems like a man
do people who back up into parking spots also back up into elevators
1-year-old: *screeches*
3-year-old: *screeches back*
Me: What’s wrong?
3: We’re dinosaurs
I had to ban pterodactyls fights in the house.
[first day of creation]
GOD: *stuck in traffic* oh no I’m not gonna make the light
Being a diabetic has proved to be difficult. For example, I can’t have a sugar daddy.
Dad called and asked how my weekend was and I gave him the whole rundown but it was just a lead in for him to tell me that he dragged a dead body out of a lake
The gym is like church to some people. No matter what they do all week, they think they can erase it with one visit.
A bad analogy is like a cucumber
Sometimes when my boyfriend makes a racist joke I am like Ugh why did I even imagine you?
So many great jazz musicians were hardcore drug addicts because they had to put up with listening to so much jazz music all the time.
*at the pond*
“hon—there’s something i need to ask you”*emotional* yes?
*blows duck call*
*ducks on water arrange to spell out ‘TACOS?’*
Daughter: I love you mommy
Me: I love you!
Daughter: I’m not talking to you. I’m playing with my dinosaurs.
Me: Cool cool cool.
Me muttering: ungrateful little…
Me: how was your date?
Friend: I ruined her panties.
M: Wow that’s hot man.
F: No she got food poisoning from my cooking, bro.
It’s all fun and games until you accidentally stab a space monk
“can i have your number?” bro i told you i got a bf like 530-294-2740 times
*holding a hose*
Husband: What are you doing?
Me: I’m spraying anyone who steps on our property.
Husband: Isn’t your family coming over?
Me: *grins* In 7 minutes.
My cat swallowed a ball of wool a few months ago and just gave birth to a litter of mittens
ME: *grasping wife’s hand* omg he’s going to say his first words
WIFE: c’mon buddy you can do it
WAITER: can i get you two started with something to drink?
MY WIFE AND ME [excitedly]: d’awwwww
I wonder what Cannibals & Aztecs would say, watching civilized people eat symbolic hearts of loved ones on Valentine’s Day.
Sometimes I think I have indigestion and gas but then I remember that Jesus lives inside us all.
If I turned into a “teen wolf” my first order of business would definitely be helping my basketball team get to the local championships!
[told I’m needed to fulfill an ancient prophecy] what’s the latest possible deadline
Me: Goodnight angel.
9: Tomorrow I need a short red wig and dress like Ed Sheeran for spirit day.