Make bowling your first date. If he rents small shoes and jams his fingers in the wrong holes don’t bother with a second.
You Might Also Like
Thing Two has its alarm set for 7 AM, so I’m starting to meow now, at 6:25 AM. I want it to be ready for the alarm.
The wind is about to blow me to Oz, so if you see me flying past your window.. mind your business.
Imagine having a day like Jim Carrey in Liar Liar where you’re incapable of lying. I bet you’d all stay off Twitter for the day?
For sale: $300 King size mattress & box spring, 6 mo old, Never had sex on it, not even once. IDK ask her.
Mommy’s little speed bumps 😬
There are only 2 Canadian things I don’t like:
1) Celine Dion
2) Canadian geeseGuess which one is chasing me everytime I go outside.
Casual: Rob a bank
Fancy: Robert a bank
Being a Zombie doesn’t sound that bad. You don’t have a job and your entire day is spent looking for things to eat. Shit, I do that now.
Doctor: “The CAT scan results are in and they have confirmed my suspicions.”
Me: “Okay, I’m ready.”
Doctor: “You’re not a cat.”
My dancing style could best be described as “Frantically trying to pet the ghosts of animals only I can see.”
If you wanna go and take a ride with me with three women in the floor with the goat cheese.
Kids today don’t know how easy they have it. When I was young, I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the TV channel.
Buying In Bulk
In theory: Oh good, I’ll have enough chips to last all month
In reality: I’m gonna eat 5 family size bags of chips tonight
me: i’m doing well
webmd: you may want to sit down
Therapist: You need to stop doing weird things, going out might help
Me: I went to the park today
Therapist: There you go! I hope you got something from that
Me *opens coat* this duck
You do not have to prove your own humanity to others. Unless it’s a captcha.
$4 #usedbooks
After 3 disastrous surgeries I said that’s it no more pretending to be a doctor.
Police officer: Have you had anything to drink?
Me:No
PO:Ok, blow into here
Me:But there are no candles
PO:Ma’am please get out of the car
My signature move is illegal in 37 states.
I wasn’t planning on moving, but I was just invited to the neighborhood fall potluck, so I guess now I have no choice.
corona got the club empty asf me and the DJ just chillin listening to frank ocean with the strobe lights goin rn
Here, let me loosen those morals for you.
These life hack videos are getting out of control like no I don’t want to make a life jacket out of an old peanut butter sandwich
My therapist encouraged me to stop bending over backwards for people. But just between us, I really miss yoga.
Just donated blood. I hope whoever gets it likes wine.
I leave notes around the house to remind me of things I need to do, like “Pick up milk” or “Pay gas bill” or “Stop wasting your life away”
BABY GOT BACKYARD
Sir-Mix-A-Lot, licensed realtor
Took the kids cherry picking yesterday. 2 refused to participate and spent the whole time playing in the dirt.
Today we’re at the children museum, so of course the only thing 2 wants to do is pick fake fruit off a fake tree.
Never apologize in your voicemail for not answering the phone. You’re not sorry. Own that shit. “Hey, I don’t like you. Leave a message.”