I would rather that you’d just paid some of my bills, but thanks for this combination rubik’s cube/pepper grinder.
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Nothing cuts deeper than an insult with bad grammar and a spelling mistake.
teenager doing court order community service picking up trash in a ditch: *pokes my body with a stick*
me: *wakes up* oh hey jake is it Tuesday again already?
My 3yo just reminded ME to wash my hands after we got home so if anything good were to come out of this pandemic it’s that we’re raising a less gross genera- ope never mind he just ate a booger
Do people who swirl and sniff their wine in the glass know that it tastes just the same straight from the bottle? Amateurs.
Don’t you hate it when you go into the bathroom at a party to sneak out of the window, and their bathroom doesn’t have a window, so you have to bust through the wall like the Kool-Aid Man?
Welcome to parenthood. Your safe word is now, “What’sthatnoiseohnothekidsareawake!”
Just found out the last message the Mars Rover sent was, “my battery is low and it is getting dark,” and I will be using the same message for anyone who texts me to hang out after 630pm
When I’m good I’m great. When I’m not good I’m the piano falling out of the window of people
If you need a ride to the airport, give me at least two weeks notice so I’ll have a chance to clear my schedule and die
It’s been a really expensive month for the last 125 months.
I like men with glasses because once they come off everything is a little blurry and I’m very okay with that
I really had high hopes for this year though
I’m so full I could puke a horse
Got kicked outta Starbucks for trying to order a venti mocha choca latta ya-ya creole lady marmalaaaaaaaaade.
Sorry I said your mom’s beef stroganoff was stroganawful.
9-year-old: It’s raining pretty hard.
Me: You can use your cool new umbrella.
9: I don’t want to get it wet.
I’m really trying to care about this Queen dying but she didn’t even put out any good songs
When ya leave Twitter it’s called twittercide.
What about Instagram?
Instagramicide? IGicide? Instacide? Gramicide? Instadead? Instagone?
I’m just going to come right out and say it. I’m sorry I ate your seagull.
Adding urine to your compost is a great way to add nitrogen to the soil AND get a restraining order from the neighbors.
No one sleeps with Gandalf because it takes him until first light on the fifth day to come.
cop: i pulled you over for going 68 in a 55
me: dang, 68? can you make that number a little cooler so i can hear the judge read it out loud haha
cop: sure whatever
[later in traffic court]
judge: how were you going 420 in a 55
Cashier: Smile!
Me: Worry about your own face.
I can see clearly now the rain has gone; I can *backs into mailbox* see all obstacles in my way *runs over squirrel* omg I love this song
If I were one of the sciencers, I would simply do this
Tweet thieves know how to take a joke.
Might start a YouTube channel “will it hurt if i drop it on my foot”
“The Walking Dad,” but it’s just a guy walking around the house turning off lights and muttering that he’s “not made of money”
This day in history. 1940. Carbon-14 was discovered, allowing us to estimate the age of organic materials such as wood, leather, and Cher.