I don’t got that dog in me. I got that cat in me. Bam knocked your water cup right off the counter. Now I’m gonna take a nap
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Blacksmith *shoes a horse*
Swordsmith *forges a blade*
Aerosmith *gives a groupie gonorrhea*
Her: You know I love it when you pull my hair…
Me: Yes, baby
Her: But the other people at this PTA meeting are beginning to stare.
3 reasons I’m not a hiker:
1. I don’t like sweating.
2. I don’t like getting lost.
3. I don’t like stumbling across human remains in shallow graves.
Does a sunset actually happen if someone doesn’t take a picture of it and post it on Instagram?
at its core, Harry Potter is a beautiful story about the value of having a hot mom
Ouija boards are officially obsolete, now that the dead can read messages addressed to them on Facebook.
My 5 year old said he was looking for a treasure chest but I thought he said cheddar chest and for a brief moment life as a pirate sounded beautiful
I hate when people refer to some tv shows or snacks as “guilty pleasures.” You shouldn’t feel guilty based on what you’re eating or watching. You should feel guilty all the time.
The darkness in me is making me sneeze.
Sorry, baby. My phone number is older than you.
HOT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA ARE HIDING BEHIND THE CORNER. THEY ARE GOING TO JUMP OUT AND TAKE YOUR PHONE, WALLET AND PURSE.
Though we appreciate your application for the position, HR has decided to go with a potted plant instead.
{football huddle}
hey are you guys mad at me?
People who ignore me just haven’t learned to make the best of a bad situation.
Me: GUESS WHO BOUGHT A MEGAPHONE?
Neighbour: Get out of my house!
Me: You’re not even guessing.
Me: I’ll have a medium coffee
Barista: That’ll be $3.95
Me: With a splash of almond milk
Barista: That’ll be $17.95
If you don’t let me in the bathroom, I can’t guarantee your safety when you pee.
~dogs, apparently
Wife: “I’m tired of you endlessly misquoting Arnold Schwarzenegger films. I’m leaving you.”
Me: “You’ll be back.”
Sorry, the dog stood on my keyboard and liked that Instagram photo of you from 47 weeks ago.
Me: I’m really enjoying this disaster movie.
Him: That’s the news.
I don’t always drink iced coffee, but when I do, it’s because my kids prevented me from drinking it hot so I gave up and added some ice.
Jesus has returned! He’s in my DMs asking for Amazon gift cards and has terrible grammar. But it’s TOTALLY him.
I want my daughters to work where they want to work, live how they want to live, and love who they want to love.
But more than that, I want them to CLOSE THE CABINET DOORS WHEN THEY ARE DONE GETTING A PLATE
Me: It’s been a while since we’ve had to take one of the kids to the ER.
Trampoline: Hold my beer.
I finally shaved my legs.
Do I contact Locks of Love or do they contact me?
Why do moths eat sweaters? Have they tried sandwiches or avocados
Who gets the job of writing the fortunes in the cookies?
I want that job. I could really screw with some people.
My husband said we should have a ‘date night’
I wonder why he didn’t like it when I introduced him to my date? Husbands, go figure.
*does the robot*
*crowd goes wild*
*gets arrested at Sharper Image for having sex with one of their products*