Make fun of my long hair and I’ll ride past your girlfriend’s bedroom window on a stallion.
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A face mask and rubber gloves is all you need to wear when you go to mall they said.
I felt a fool.
Everyone else was wearing clothes.
We all make silly mistakes like when I asked the lady with massive lip injections if she was allergic to bees.
When my 3yo doesn’t take a nap someone always tells me, oh she’s gonna sleep good at night. It’s almost like they can’t feel the heat coming off the hell that’s about to unfold when I tell my 3yo it’s time for bed.
cashier, scanning alcohol: ID please
my dad, every single time: [pointing to me] here’s my ID. heh
I hate when drinks say to shake well. Like we’re all just masters of shaking things
banking website: thank you for your transfer as a reminder the total you can move between accounts in any one given business day is $1,000,000
me, sitting on a milk crate in a studio apt i share with two other guys: ok
Meanwhile, at School:
Teacher- “How much is a gram?”
Laure- “Depends on what you want”
Teacher- “Out, just get out”
#YouOwnedHimDude
A nice way to tell someone their breath stinks, “well I’m bored,let’s go brush our teeth” in mid convo
all the apology videos are terrible because the people capable of writing a good apology are on strike.
Thinking about changing my Christian Mingle account name to, Gimme Psalm Lovin’
I’ve watched three episodes of “I Shouldn’t Be Alive” tonight, adding “outdoor enthusiast and survival expert” to my online dating profile.
A woman drives into a bar.
*young woman walks by
Wife: Wow, she looks really good, don’t you think?
Me: NO WAY, I’M NOT GOING TO FALL FOR THAT
I had the audacity to tell my kid to get their own snack and now I’m standing in the corner thinking about my actions.
Good Cop: [stares]
Bad Cop: [stares]
The abyss: You get nothing from me until my lawyer gets here. Nothing.
My unemployed friends on a Wednesday at 1:30pm
I’m going to normalize a new trend.
Unsolicited *CROC* pics
A friend took a picture of me that made me look younger and thinner, so she’s my wife now.
If I was on trial and the prosecutor was like, “that man is the murderer!” and pointed at me so the jury all turned their attention toward me, I’d have a hard time not waving at them.
This day in history. 1675. English king Charles II ordered that all coffee houses be closed because the populace was becoming alarmingly alert.
ME: What do you want for our anniversary?
WIFE: Oh I saw this cute little alligator brooch
ME: Ok
WIFE: You’re not going to write it down
ME: Nah, I’ll remember
[later]
WIFE {opening package}: Crocs?
Not to brag, but I can run pretty fast with a tv in my hands.
Sometimes I put my cat in the sunroom hoping the coyote who lives out back will charge at it and bounce off the glass.
Therapist: They are NOT antidepressants
Me: All I’m saying is I’ve never been less than happy while holding a taco.
Therapist: FOR THE LAST TIME, I can’t get your insurance to cover tacos!
Me: Don’t yell at me. You need a taco.
Your baby looks the same as it did yesterday.
Me, commenting on a Facebook picture.
[hanging up the phone] sorry that was my sensei. he said he’s turned evil and I’m probably the only student with the potential to stop him. So I have to go home now
If you watch Jeopardy backwards it’s about 3 idiots who pay a Canadian to answer a bunch of hidden questions.
me: return of the mack.
cashier: receipt of the mack?
[2 cavemen]
Look what me discover! This game changer!
*grabs it* “This hot! Burn fingers. What you call it?”
*takes back mixtape* FIRE!
If stray cats are free, why is Chinese food so expensive?