Make fun of my long hair and I’ll ride past your girlfriend’s bedroom window on a stallion.
You Might Also Like
Someone called me a “complete piece of crap” today and I smiled and thanked them. If I am going to be a piece of crap, I would rather be a complete piece than an incomplete piece. I mean, I’m a go-getter. An all or nothing type of gal.
Avoid getting invited to family reunions by asking your relatives for money.
Haven’t heard much from the flat earthers recently. Maybe their membership has plateaued.
I still remember taking down that bullying 12 year old on the playground like it was yesterday. My Dad was so proud. Ah, to be 30 again!
I could never succeed at chemistry. I Guess that’s why it’s called chemist “try”
[watching the news]
God: oh my me, this show is awful who wrote this
angel: you did sir
Don’t give up on your dreams, if cauliflower can be pizza and zucchini can be noodles then you too can be anything you want
Scored a fantastic Christmas gift for my 11 yr old son today. A pass to the trampoline park with 99 visits! He will be thrilled!
However, I didn’t think this through. Someone now has to take him to said trampoline park. NINETY-NINE TIMES.
My wife has politely asked all of you to stop being so interesting and not-so-politely asked me to load the F’n dishwasher.
Putting on the ‘Best of Owl City’ playlist when I want to kill three and a half minutes.
Don’t ask me to dance. I look like a four-year old with his first sparkler.
I’m glad Pitbull always announces his name right away so I know when to turn the radio off.
“Can I have $20?”
-how teenagers say hello
Hear me out:
Brunch where pajama attire is required.
If dolphins are so smart how come I managed to trick one into investing all its savings in my phoney pyramid scheme?
There you go again, overusing big words like some kind of tweeting sesquipedalian.
Idiot.
My recipe for an upside-down cake is super easy:
1. Make a cake.
2. While carrying it, trip over the dog.
Boss: You should have been here at 7.
Me: Ohhhhhhh! What happened at 7?
Me: I know every word of the Golden Girls theme song!
Job interviewer:…and a weakness?
[invention of baseball]
Guy: I’ll throw the ball
Me: and I catch it
Guy: no hit it with a stick
Me: then what?
Guy: someone else will try to catch it
Me: what if I miss?
Guy: someone else will try to catch it
Me: you could just say you don’t want to play catch with me dad
HER: do you have a retirement plan?
ME: [grew up on action movies] i’ll simply pull ONE LAST JOB
me: i’ll have the mouse, please
waiter: that’s mousse, sir
me: never mind then, that’ll be way too much food
My dog needs to circle 4 times before she lays down. When I see her start, I yell out random numbers trying to make her lose count.
Whoever said money can’t buy happiness didn’t like things as much as I do.
Apparently “naked” is not the answer when someone mad at you asked, how do you sleep at night?
My kitten has a lot of sass for someone that falls over still when she sneezes.
A tragic love story in two pictures.
{Pixar Meet & Greet}
Buzz Lightyear: I’m a talking toy
Dory: I’m a talking fish
Lightning McQueen: I’m a talking car
Guy from UP: My wife died
Everyone:
Dory: I’m a talking fish
my mothers motherly urge to make sure you are eating no matter how full you are
and then suggest you lose weight