Make good choices because ghosts are stuck with the haircut they died with.
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I had day surgery today (nothing big) and they were like “don’t make any important decisions in the next 24 hours bc you might not remember them.” But I had to go grocery shopping. Later Morgan was like “you bought … so much, like a lot, of cheese.”
*gets Ouija board*
Spirits, are there Pringles in the kitchen?
“Do you really let your dog sleep in the bed with you??”
My dog:
When I die, I’d like a closed casket funeral, but I’d like my body to be painted on the top of the casket, only with a lot more muscles added.
Hey “greatest generation” why is every thrift store filled with ceramic clowns
I think my wife’s angry with me but it’s hard to tell coz she’s pretty blurry and one of us is slurring a lot
New relationship be like, “what you doing?” ….”just drinking water”…”ok darling plz be careful”
*sees a baby screaming on the plane* wait– WAIT. WHY IS HE SCREAMING. OH MY GOD WHY IS HE SCREAMING. WHAT DOSE HE KNOW THAT WE DONT
Stunning surveillance footage captured the moment a high school coach in Oregon disarmed a student with a shotgun and then embraced him. Police eventually arrived and took the student into custody.
“What are you doing, Merlin?”
“He said he was cold.”
They should really replace, “I now pronounce you man and wife” with “FINISH HIM!!”
Welcome to parenthood, WHY ARE THE SCISSORS NOT IN THE GODDAMN DRAWER??
One of the funnier gadgets my parents have is an indoor/outdoor thermometer that shows a little cartoon guy in various outfits to correspond with the temperature outside because my parents can’t be bothered to do that weather/pants translation themselves
People in glass houses can throw whatever they want. They live in a glass house, I’m not expecting them to be practical
[Starbucks intercom]
“Will the man that ordered the Skinny Cinnamon Dolce Latte please pick up your drink. No one is looking.”
ladies say I’m a hamster in the sheets because I squeal when I’m uncomfortable and I leave small pellets in the bed
How people watch movies when they’re:
DATING *hold hands*
ENGAGED *cuddle*
MARRIED *one person turns the volume up while I choke on a piece of popcorn*
In the street today, an unattractive woman asked for my number, so I gave her a fake. Still feel a bit guilty, as I’d just totaled her car.
Parents be like “i don’t have a favorite child” then use one of your siblings birth dates as a password
Thanks to Twitter, rock bottom now has a waiting list.
Hey hipsters, if your main function in life is to “bring back” old and dated clothing, capes should be at the top of the list.
Too many catfish out there. Verify your identity by posting yourself holding a spoon. I’ll go first
I wonder if the people who camp out in front of stores for Black Friday sales realize there are online sales too.
Not only did I finally find my car keys when I sat down on the couch I also got my first piercing
[a person I want to be friends with so bad offers me a cigarette]
Me: oh I love these!
Them: *goes to light it for me*
Me: *already eating it*
ME: I’d like to return this sports bra.
CASHIER: Why?
ME: I wore it and I’m still bad at sports.
CASHIER: It’s just clothing. You train to be good at sports.
ME: *Sees training bra* Jackpot.
ME: I wish my enemies’ hair had nerve endings
GENIE: dude
[First Date]
Him: And, how did you get here?
Me: My parents had sex.
Hobos are like cats, they’ll let you pet them until you stop feeding them cat food.
so weird when you meet a girl with the same name as your sister because they’re like hi I’m Jenna and you’re like no you are not. I’m sorry but you are not