“MAKE GOOD CHOICES!!”, I screamed from inside the cop car
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Me: I like to look on the bright side. It’s a beautiful sunny day, I was getting tired of that room, I always enjoy seeing professionals at work and I finally tried a cigarette only to confirm my belief I wouldn’t care for them. Nice to know! Well, please continue.
Firing Squad:
If Zombies ever switch to eating souls, I’ll have the last laugh on everyone whoever made fun of me for being a Ginger
job interviewer: do you consider yourself a good listener?
me: 5 years? in 5 years i hope i’ll be dead
in high school our gym teacher asked us who we thought the smartest teacher in the school was. we guessed the AP chem teacher, the precalc teacher, the AP physics teacher, etc. he goes, nope, it’s me because I get paid the same as those guys and I play dodgeball all day.
I feel like you just get me. You fill my every need. You go out of your way for me. I tell you I am here and you coming running. It is just kind of perfect, right?
Him: Ma’am I am just bringing your grocery order to your car.
there are many humans in the household right now. and they all seem to have snacks. so i’m going to convince each and every one of them. that i have not eaten. in several weeks
San Andreas is just like Godzilla only Godzilla is invisible
[date]
me: so if u could change any part of your body what would it be?
her: *laughing* I guess my ankles. what about you?
me: well, u know the bit behind the knees?
*awkward silence*
me: *leans in closer* I’d love em to be as hairy as armpits
It would be easier if they just reported which parts of the globe aren’t on fire and don’t have hurricanes.
Date: I love car chase action scenes
Me, a fruit stand vendor: I think we’re done here
I try and avoid picking up turtles on the side of the road. Just in case they’re in the middle of a race.
Everyone’s gangster until they have to carry a leaking compost bag to the bin outside.
Today in my classroom
Me: I almost didn’t come in to work today
Student: oh, where do you work?
When I’m baking a chocolate cake, all I want is the recipe, you can skip the history of cacao dating back to the Aztecs
SCIENTIST: Let’s name this spider Long Legs, for its long legs
SCIENTIST 2: Hmm not kinky enough
I couldn’t afford an engagement ring so I just poured a can of spaghettios on her hand
Imagine if Spiders could Breakdance
My neighbor said “nice skirt” so I said, “thanks, it helps me not blast Miley Cyrus at 6 in the morning, you should borrow it sometime.”
If you accidentally use Pam cooking spray instead of Off…
It still works, because the mosquitoes just slide off your legs.
Apparently I can’t enroll someone in anger management classes against their will.
Now what the hell am I supposed to do with my toddler?
JOKER: Why so serious
ME: Have you seen the news?
JOKER: Ok fair
I’m white, but not like “has a golden retriever named Chance” white.
Parentz Bop
-Here We Come A Tattling
-Deck The Walls With Permanent Markers
-Jingle Bells My Teen Smells
-Hark The Kids Are Out Of Bed
-All I Want For Christmas Is You To Stop Fighting
-God Rest Ye Tired Parents
-It’s Beginning To Look A lot Like Christmas Is Cancelled
*shoots self in the foot and screams in agony for 20 seconds*
*hits ‘stop recording’ on outgoing voicemail message*
Brand new white Adidas completely ruined by 6 steps into the dog park gate.
My dog does this thing where it thunders and suddenly I’m wearing a dog hat.
I just yelled “WAKE UP,” to which my 4 year old responded “WHYDONTYOUPUTONALITTLEMAKEUP,” so no one question my parenting ever again.
[to hot girl at bus stop as bus approaches]
“I could easily afford to get on that if I wanted to.”
Saw a true dear friend today …. Thank God I was able to hide in time.
16 year olds can vote in Scotland. That’s ok because they’ve been drinking since they were 9 and understand disillusionment.