“MAKE GOOD CHOICES!!”, I screamed from inside the cop car
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Things are getting serious with my new boyfriend. Neither of us have slept with anyone else in eleven months (we met last week)
For the record I support all forms of pizza. Deep dish, thin crust, large folded, all good. Delivery? Yes. Home made? You bet. A man covering himself with sauce and cheese and standing outside my window singing Air Supply? It’s a yes from me, pal.
That bear was just minding its own business. You brought that granola bar into the situation. Should have brought enough to share.
Pharmaceutical ads really be like “HEY is your doctor an IDIOT? suggest this drug to them bc they’re probably so DUMB they haven’t even THOUGHT of it YET”
I can’t believe that somebody abandoned this perfectly good clothes rack.
ME: I was born a tree…
ALSO ME: …but I’ll dialog.
“Get at least 8 hours of beauty sleep. 9 if you’re ugly.” – Betty White
Overall productive day..
*Ordered Batman boxer briefs & matching knee socks
*Called my mom
*Bought an Xbox game, & a goat, on Craigslist
Can’t you just live in the moment, Phil? Every time we kill a bison or light a fire you have to draw it in a cave with your fancy stick.
[at dinner]
Me: *rubbing sugar on my gums*
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: I dunno…saw some cool guy doing it in the bathroom
During the course of some 36 films, did it ever occur to anyone that maybe Godzilla deserves a “good boy” once in a while?
Why do I hear my husband encouraging our youngest to be a goalie? Is my anxiety not quite crippling enough for him?
People who get in loud cell phone arguments in public, everyone secretly loves you.
I avoid clarified butter because I prefer my dairy products to be troubled and confused.
I couldn’t remember the term “hazmat suit,” so I called it a “science burqa.”
People will say astrology is bullshit until they read their star sign is ‘mind blowing in bed and a great kisser’ then its 100 percent facts!
My first trip to a beach as a child, I spent the entire time running away from hordes of crabs chasing me with gigantic claws. Unrelated, I’m now a big fan of crab cakes.
People who think it’s okay to drop by,
It’s not okay. If you aren’t carrying an Amazon box for me, do not even consider ringing my doorbell for I will hide from you even after we make eye contact through the window on your walk up the sidewalk I DGAF.
Now that my whole family is in our house all the time, it’s just nothing but drive-by shushing of each other all day.
At the rate at which my kid’s school asks for money, they must think I won the lottery.
My friend’s offering to pay for a trip to NY to be her +1 for a wedding.
She’s probably going to drug me & sell my organs. *agrees to go 🙂
Not sure if you’ll like golf? Walk on a treadmill for four hours under a sun lamp then throw away $75 when you’re done.
if ur getting chased by a bunch of drunk 90’s kids just yell out “in west Philadelphia born & raised” then u got like 2 min to run
Sober me will always have your back.Drunk me will convince you to get a tattoo of a unicorn doing a dolphin over a rainbow on your back.
My wife keeps telling me I need glasses
but I prefer to drink right out of the bottle
“YOU HAVEN’T GOTTEN OFF THAT COUCH ALL DAY!!!”
-my wife yelled, failing to even ACKNOWLEDGE my three trips to the bathroom this morning
me: i wish for good health, to be rich, and finally….for your freedom
therapist: once again i am not a genie but you being here is starting to make more sense
I know it might seem cruel, but unless you’ve lived through the horror of a sheep infestation, you couldn’t possibly understand.
I’m missing the VMAs. Who’s losing? Is it music?
BREAKING NEWS: Scientists have discovered what may be the worlds largest bed sheet. More on that as it unfolds.