Me: Knowing everything we do about medcine and health, I cant believe people still smoke!!
Also me: Is four boxes of Swiss Cake Rolls enough for the weekend?
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[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m a veterinarian
Me: thank you for your service
Date: veterinarian not veteran
Me: ok but still
Hour 6 without sex:
(oh, you mean with someone else?)
Year 8 without sex:
Restaurant bathrooms are really, really dangerous.
So many of my 1st dates have gone to use them and vanished.
Found a YouTube channel that’s just French women smoking cigarettes so this is my last tweet.
20s: Sure, I’ll take the floor.
30s: The floor? No. But I’ll sleep on the couch.
40s: What thread count are your sheets?
It looks like bathroom tai chi but it’s me trying to trigger the automatic paper towel dispenser.
What a rip off.
There’s no pot in this chicken-pot-pie.
ME: Ok, that’s everything in the dishwasher
*closes dishwasher door*
*turns it on*
*turns around*TEASPOON: You’re not gonna believe this
I would be a terrible stalker because A) not motivated enough 7) you would always hear the rattle of peanut m&ms behind you.
3: Can I have another cheese slice?
Me: Sure.
3: I won’t squish this one in a ball and put it under the cushion.
Movember is over, so this week anyone looking like a pedophile is actually a pedophile.
I don’t want to alarm anyone but I’ve purchased a ukulele. Soon as I can jam, there’ll be auditions for my band behind the 7-11.
NO WEIRDOS
If Barb wears leopard print to another funeral, I’m buying a dart gun.
Watch James Cameron’s spectacular vision to take 3 hours to tell a storyline that could’ve been an e-mail
…again.
(Now in theaters)
*skinny dips into black hole
Probably should schedule my next dentist appt for this week since I ate some street corn last night and this may be the only time I floss this year.
Science can’t explain why your bathroom is at least 9x further away from your bedroom at 1am
Thinking about writing an online essay titled ‘Fog doesn’t have a specific smell’ to take down the scented candle industrial complex.
The best letter to the editor in today’s @TB_Times.
Dating isn’t easy when you’re married.
The more I get to know people, the more I realize why Noah only let animals on the boat.
I just took out a spider so big that, moments after, the postman rang the doorbell and I thought it was the spider.
[Thanksgiving dinner]
Wife: You’re always on your phone and never talk to me!Me: Oh
Wife: ok so what’s everyone else thankful for?
Fun Fact: If you lie down in an aisle at Walmart for a couple hours, they will tag you and put you in a clearance bin.
You excited to watch the Super Bowl?
“Ya, but only cuz the commercials.”
[sounds of man being beaten to death with bowl of chips and dip]
I wonder about the people who unfollow after one day. What were they expecting, Louis C.K.?
Date: any pets?
Me: a pet rock
D: lol at least u don’t have to housetrain it
Me: *flashback to piles of pebbles all over my house* haha yeah
totally non-alarming text to receive from child’s school
Humans: That made me puke. I’ll never do that again!
Dogs: That made me puke. I’m gonna get into it everyday this week!!
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He wore the grin of a man who has never fallen off a ladder. His knees felt like reheated custard.