Make it awkward today by asking people what they did for Valentine’s Day.
When they answer “dinner”, you should say “no…after that”.
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Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Musical.
I’m two types of woman. One who is extremely hard on herself & one who can’t stop giggling because she just said hard on.
stop saying millennials aren’t having kids. my posts are my children and I’m deeply disappointed in all of them
Look,if they showed up and watched the entire Super Bowl and had a good time with everyone.Then washed the dishes,cleaned up, did the laundry, washed your car and cooked dinner afterwards then you just might have found Valentine material!
Bought a “Best Moments of 2021” magazine and the pages were blank
The turkey is the luckiest one at the Thanksgiving table because it’s already dead.
How to be a Canadian:
1) Love hockey
2) Use good manners
3) Drink Tim Hortons
4) Live in a igloo
5) Hunt moose with stick
stan is such a liar – at first he’s like “i’m your biggest fan” but THEN he says his little brother matthew likes eminem even more than him
It’s a good thing I brought poopy bags so my dog can clean up after me.
so awkward when the bill for the wall comes out and no one reaches for it
Michelle Obama should have dropped the mic and moonwalked out.
me: you ever get half way thru a sentence and completely forget what you were taking about lol
bank teller: something about a gun
To the parent who sent their kid with slime as a Valentine to the class I just want you to know that I will send my daughter with kinetic sand to give to your kid as a thank you gift.
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
Of course I can cook, what kind of cereal would you like
Your kids paranoid there’s a monster under their bed? Have I got a holiday for you.
Entered what I ate today into my new fitness app and it just sent an ambulance to my house.
WHY DOES EVERYONE ON DATING APPS LIKE HIKING SO MUCH
My sister’s fiance is visiting from England on Friday, i thought I’d surprise him so I’ve been driving on the wrong side of the road
The only relationship you should expect to last on Twitter is the one between your TL and those who have you blocked.
Bad cop *plants drugs in perps car*
Gardener cop *adds mulch & Miracle-Gro®*
HER: what are you doing?
ME:
*closes page
*deletes history
*performs factory reset
*throws phone against the wall
nothing why, what’s up?
when i met him, i should’ve recognized the red flags because he immediately wanted to move in with me. 11 months later he still has no job or money and i can’t do anything without him watching my every move.
like, i know he’s my son but he’s gotta get it together.
I’ll be throwing shade, after a quick search of Urban Dictionary.
Oh honey, that’s not “causing a scene”.
Here, check this out…
Everyone said the hamster catapult wasn’t appropriate for the science fair but no one could stop watching.
ME: You wouldn’t believe these sparklers I got!
SPOUSE: That’s dynamite!
ME: *waiving around the lit fuse* I know! It’s really cool!
SPOUSE: *already running*
Me as hostess: tonight we’re having deconstructed tater tots, deconstructed subs, and deconstructed strawberry pie
*takes guests to the grocery store*
Replying to peoples selfies with the phone number to a dermatologist is not OK.
I’ll stop now.