@JoeMande: "Make it look like I live in a Cheesecake Factory." - NBA players to their interior designers
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@Brianhopecomedy: My wife: "What are you doing?" "Having an argument on Twitter" "With a man or woman?" "A lamp."
@Jake_Vig: Customer service stopped recording my calls for training purposes. There's nothing to be learned from that much profanity.
@t_cuppp: Sit-ups are no fun, sharpie abs are definitely the way to go if you want permanent results.