I’m not drunk, I was driving erratically because I had to rescue the cheese that was melting off my Egg McMuffin
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[ interview ]
cable company: where do you see yourself in five years
me: you mean between 3 and 8 years from now?
cable company: when can you start
me: between monday and july
17 animal photos that will make you do a double take
[responding to trash talk during pick up basketball game] my wife has a bad back so I doubt that happened
All peanut butter is crunchy if you mix chocolate chips into it.
My husband just asked this southern 8 ball if I loved him. It said “bless your heart” 😆
if he likes you he will let you know. if he wants to talk to you, he’ll text. do nothing. you’re a beautiful object. pretend you’re a tree
As a copywriter, I’ve noticed more people are using ‘whilst’ instead of ‘while.’ WHILE you can use either, WHILST is formal so it always sounds pompous and full of shit. Would you say WHOMST? No you WOULDST NOT.
9YO: What will we be watching for the the family movie night
Me: Hang on, give me a…
7YO *sighs*: … We’ll be watching daddy play 24 trailers and then fall asleep
I work as a receptionist in a vets. When somebody’s pet is being put to sleep we light a candle to let everyone know to be quiet and respectful. There was no dying pet today. I just had a hangover.
airbnb implies earthbnb, firebnb, and waterbnb
You spin me right round, baby, right round…
~ my Roomba at night probably
don’t think i’ve met a single person ever who listens to machine gun kelly. he is less of a musician and more like a mischievous forest spirit who emerges every five years to haunt a very beautiful woman to the point of madness
Me: You get your smarts from me.
My kid: Yep, I got your mustache too. Heyooo!
So, free to a good home if anyone wants a kid.
We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re going to take them to an IKEA instead.
Death: I’m coming for you.
Me: Oh, no thank you, I’m not interested.
Death: Lol, k.
Death: A lot of other people want me to come for them.
Death: You’re not even that hot.
Me: *Living in the US for 16 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
#TrueStory
I won’t tell anyone if I win the lottery, but if I did, you’d see someone else cutting all this damn grass.
Date: I can’t believe you never saw titantic
Me: To be fair, it did sink before I was born
“I hope this email finds you—“ STOP FINDING MEEEEE
My best acting work to date? has 2 be yesterday when I realized I was walking the wrong direction so I pretended to get a text message that changed EVERYTHING and FORCED me to turn around and walk the other way.
[Abruptly stops playing my banjo] Oh the intervention is for ME??
I have AirPods now, the next step is somehow staying rich and staying humble
Take your glasses off. Hold them up to a light to see if they’re dirty. Now try to do it with your mouth closed.
This is worse than season 7 of The Walking Dead
‘Always be prepared’ apparently doesn’t apply to ANY OF THE PEOPLE IN FRONT OF ME AT THE PASSPORT FACILITY
ME: (in prison) Come on man! I know you can bust us out of here!
KOOL-AID MAN: *closes his bible and looks up* I’m not about that life anymore.
I once broke up with a guy because he ate half my french fries, and when I get really lonely, I still think about those french fries.
Does anyone remember that annoying song Barbie Girl by Aqua?
You do now.
I just want the confidence of a youtuber who suddenly thinks they can sing
I really want to have ice cream but am too lazy to get it from the freezer.
~Late night couch potato dilemma