@JoeMande: "Make it look like I live in a Cheesecake Factory." - NBA players to their interior designers
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@TheAlexNevil: Based on the musicians who thanked him at the Grammys, I gotta say: I'm not crazy for God's taste in music.
@druuuck: Me: you want to end the date night with some bubbly? Wife: sure *I pour vinegar and baking soda into the volcano* Wife: this is so romantic
@JustDontBugMe: MIL: You're going to give me a heart attack someday! M: Last time I checked you didn't even have a heart.
@bombsydoll: Aliens scoop me up & put me in a big glass jar w holes poked in the lid. They scatter Pringles inside to simulate my natural environment.