Relax, folks. The dentist apologized for killing #CecilTheLion after he found out Cecil was famous. He meant to murder a NON-famous lion.
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*pulls curtain back while wife is in the shower*
me: Are we – stop screaming, it’s just me- are we out of Cheetos?
lower my casket into the ground and play “The Lion Sleeps Tonight” If you see someone not singing the Wimba Way part, kick them out.
Her: So when you said you were going to make me happy using just your mouth…
Me: *putting down microphone* BEATBOXING IS A GIFT SARAH
I hate when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick a coworker in the face to wake it up.
My dad is in Hawaii for travel…
A chicken that’s good with numbers is a mathematish-hen.
People who tuck their shirts into sweatpants…are you okay?
PETER PIPER: honey i picked another peck of pickled peppers
WIFE: [motioning to pantry already full of peppers] peter literally what the fu
Cute waiter: Hi, what can I get for you?
Me: *accidentally barks*
Lobster 1: I split up from Lisa.
Lobster 2: Good. That fish was cray.
maybe there’s an alternate universe where onions cry when they chop up humans, you don’t know
While America is suffering administrative paralysis, we should sneak in and change their spellings to the English ones, and replace the missing ‘u’ in their words.
me: *chopping onions*
wife: shouldn’t you use a knife?
me: i took karate lessons for a reason, linda
Ever been in a mutual muting? Beauty is, you’d never know.
My pics are real.
I don’t use any filters.
I don’t even use coffee filters.
I eat coffee straight outta the container like a man
Zoologist 1: we need a name for this
Zoologist 2: how about a deadly sin?
Flex on your relatives by answering their phone call.
If you were ever wondering what that last doughnut is doing while it listens to you eat its siblings…
Oh, so it’s cute when my toddler says “all done” and hangs up mid call on the phone to my in-laws but when I do it I’m “out of line”.
*ring ring* Hello?
“If u want to see ur son again give me $500,000”
OH GOD PLEASE DONT HURT HIM
“I won’t if u-”
Haha gotcha, leave a message
HER: You’ve run over my dog
ME: I’m so sorry
HER: You’re gonna have to replace him
ME: [imagines finally being called a good boy] yes please
Back in high school I never went for mean girls because I prefer them above average
If Dracula were on Grindr, he would be looking for a guy with a blood sausage.
Me: *trying to handle work crisis before I’m fully awake, phone binging with apology texts from various people*
Person on phone: I’m so sorry this landed in your lap. I missed it. They missed it. We all missed it. Now it’s your problem and…Are you…did you just…growl at me?
I don’t want to establish dominance. I want to take a nap while someone else handles everything.
do the spectators at golf tournaments know they don’t have to be there
Your Czech is in the mail.
-Mail order brides
[pet shop]
ME: I’m looking for a dog that can talk
OWNER: Try this one
ME: [to dog] Can you talk?
DOG: No
ME: My search continues
A lot of people wonder if u have to choose between a creative career and making money, and I just wanna say stick with it long enough & you can have neither 🙏
A N U S
B U T T
M U F F
~ My reply when the optometrist asks me to read the lower lines, regardless of what I see