Make librarians cry by calling it a “Book Museum” while taking pictures with your iPad.
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FRIEND FROM COLLEGE: After I sold my tech company, I moved to France where I met my wife, Juliette. We have three beautiful kids and run a bed & breakfast in Paris.
ME: Remember how I used to like creamy peanut butter? Now I like chunky
“Doing the dishes” is completely pointless and only wastes water. You’re just going to put food on them again in a few hours.
“Something in the way she doesn’t move” – necrophiliacs
“Shit! Shit! Shit! Shit!” – When man discovered bears can climb trees as well
I’m going to start using Twitter like Google, because I need answers to tough questions.
Are pepperoni and Rice-a-Roni related?
My kid called me to tell me their car had a flat tire when they got to school.
Then pacified me with:
“Don’t worry mom, it’s only flat on the bottom.”We’re thinking Harvard.
Me: *crying*
Tween: *crying*
Husband: I thought you two were doing math homework together.
Me: We are.
*job interview*
“Tell me about a time when you made a positive impact in your organization.”
I quit
It’s always good to tell people to “stay safe” during a distaster just in case they didn’t know.
Guess I’ve had too much caffeine…I thought this lady was a muppet.
[girlfriend finally texts back]
ME: i’m so mad at you.
HER: i’m naked come over.
ME: i’m not really mad i was jk lol omw babe
He told me I cut my steak like a serial killer, so I whispered “What makes you think this is steak?” While I stroked his thigh with a knife.
WHY DOES EVERYONE ON DATING APPS LIKE HIKING SO MUCH
[4 strangers are smearing their bodily fluids on each other]
[one turns to camera] “There has to be a better way.”
VOICEOVER: “Hot tubs.”
If you stare at an ice-cube for long enough you can pretend you have laser-eyes.
Today a man told me I’m “too pretty to work so hard” so I’ve let my boss know & fingers crossed we can all get on the same page here.
Hansel and Gretel is my favorite story about eating children.
My life coach traded me.
Guys are at their mathematical best when a girl says she is pregnant.
i noticed you haven’t tweeted in a few weeks and just wanted to thank you
All my money goes to the poor…poor me.
[coming out of my bunker after the apocalypse happened]
friend: holly shit. everything is gone
me: i’m gonna try out for the nba
friend: what
me: i think i can make it now. do u think they’re still doin it
i dont understand how humans can land on the moon but also sometimes a snake gets loose from the zoo like are we good at things or not
10 puts the paper toilet roll on in the “under” position.
long story short he’s by the road with a for sale sign on.
Girlfriend: “I’m pregnant”
Me: “Really? Thats great.”
GF: “April Fo–”
*I’m already on a plane to a non extradition country*
frankly, people look at you different after you lick them.
Looking back, I should have considered all the framed pics of serial killers she had as a red flag.
Artists when they havent drawn for 1 second
[2019 USA]
“Where are you from?”-Trumpsylvania, how about you?
“North Trumpkota”
I only spent $9,842 on bras and panties at the Victoria’s Secret Semi-Annual Sale. Nothing like saving money.