Make librarians cry by calling it a “Book Museum” while taking pictures with your iPad.
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Been hearing a lot lately about bleaching your asshole. Do you just dump bleach over his head & keep out of his eyes or make him consume it?
I cried because my Wi-Fi was slow until I saw a guy stuck talking with his kids because he had no internet at all.
dad: *hands me a taser* only use this on someone who you’re sure is going to hurt you
me: *immediately tases myself*
So many friends have kids now it’s tough to meet for coffee, let alone carry out the greatest casino heist the world has ever known
Her: Did you know that there are fifteen different ways to say the word “whore” in Polish?
Me: What a beautiful language…
I never chase a man.
I always go for the ones who are too fat to run.
HER: If you could have any pet—
ME: Panda.
HER: Wow. Okay, what would you name—
ME: Pandrew.
Always know where the exits are in a crowded theater and your in-laws house.
Me: Sir, hi there, can you please help me with my baggage? *holds out two dollars*
Therapist: that’s not how this works
Hope to get one dose of Pfizer and one dose of Moderna and just let them fight it out in my body
Whenever I ask indie filmmakers how they got funding for their movie they always describe a mysterious millionaire they never met who appeared out of nowhere needing to get rid of money for tax purposes. If you know this millionaire please connect me asap….
One of the perks of being a woman is that no one can ever surprise you with a kid years later and tell you you’re the mom.
Me: Have you showered & brushed your teeth?
16: Stop bullying me.
Woke up last night and the ghost of Gloria Gaynor was standing over my bed. At first I was afraid, i was petrified.
Wild falcons live to be about 13, so all the falcons in the wild today were born in the 21st century.
They’re millennial falcons.
sure sex is great but have you ever pulled the pamphlet from a cassette/cd case and realized from the thickkkkkness you just scored the lyrics?
Are racist people like “ugh, my open minded uncle is going to be at Thanksgiving this year.”
Mom Holds Knife To Throat Of Dinner Guest Who Offered To Help With Dishes
When we’re leaving a hotel room we check drawers we didn’t even use at least five times.
Just remember someone actually thinks your ex is being sincere right now
Everyone’s always like “how did you get past security?”
Saving up ketchup packets in the fridge so I can one day open my own restaurant
I refused to buy my 5yo a tablet, and now she’s resorted to hand-drawing angry emojis on pieces of paper to express her frustration.
interviewer: if i said the meat here isnt real how would you sell it
me: our chicken really is somethin else
interviewer: welcome to subway
[at a restaurant]
Her: I’m going with meatloaf
Me: *crying* I hope you guys are happy together
Wife: Your resolution this year should be to listen to me better.
Me: Bacon would be great, thanks.
Grandma lied about girls being all over me once I got older
*deletes your contact information*
Siri: Are you sure you really want to do that? You’ve already deleted and re-added this guy 17 times.
My black cat just ate my four leaf clover. That can’t be good…….
how to meditate myself out of criminal intent oh shoot i thought this was google