Make new friends by waking up strangers with forehead kisses after they’ve fallen asleep on the train.
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Hey all you parents who recently named your kid Jax
We get it you’re unoriginal and watch SOAHold on my daughter Grey’s Anatomy is crying
During childbirth the pain is so great that a woman almost knows what it’s like for a man to have the flu.
At my funeral I won’t need a coffin. I will be cremated from the neck down and my head will be on a stick. If you want to say anything about me you have to hold my head stick
She promised to teach me wax on, wax off. Only now my chest is bare, I’m frightened of candles, and pretty sure I still don’t know karate.
I’m tired of being the only single person in my friendship group, so I’m going to make a real effort to get out there and meet new people. One of them is bound to have some good ideas for sabotaging my friends’ relationships.
robber: me n Lenny will handle this job tonight, obviously you’re gonna be lookout again…sorry Joe
giraffe: this is bullshit Steve
[me getting caught in a lie at a party] I didnt say he owned one I said he worked there
[guy putting his drink down] no no you said your uncle owned a KFC
I believe it was Gandhi who said “never create passwords for apps when you’re shitfaced”
Does anybody know what date Easter is this year? And if so, what are you, obsessed with Easter
What this place needs is a revival of the narrator tweets.
Narrator: No, that’s the last thing this place needs.
When you get to jail, challenge the biggest, baddest guy in there to rock, paper, scissors in front of all his friends
A quick way to get your kids to leave you alone is to say, “I need to make your dentist appointment.”
the children’s version of “The Catcher In The Rye” is called “My Little Phony”
Being a woman means owning ten bras. One you wear six days a week. One is on emergency reserve in case you have to leave the house on laundry day. And the rest exist to take up space in your already overstuffed underwear drawer.
Unsure if you want kids or not? My son told me he throws the grapes that “look funny” behind the couch and I just found his secret pile of rotting fruit.
Patient: There’s blood everywhere. It was horrific.
911 Dispatcher: And you said the hypnotist did this?
Patient: I think so. I was asleep.
911: Any idea what set him off?
Patient: I dunno. He just snapped.
MOM ITS NOT A DOLLHOUSE IM PRETENDING TO BE A GIANTE THATS TERRORIZING A FAMILY GOSH *waits for mom to leave* and im makig them have tea
*holds Snickers under bathroom stall*
Does this smell funny?
“Daddy, why do I have to go to school?”
“So you don’t end up like me”
“What, awesome?”
“Alright fine, no school today”
Just realized the girl I flipped off in the parking lot is in my next class.. This could be awkward.
[first day as a beekeeper] my pockets really hurt
Play The Bee Gees loudly several times a day from your home so that if you have to kill someone the sounds won’t be unusual.
Every day, thousands of innocent plants are killed by vegetarians….
Help end the violence!!!
Eat BACON!!
Today is the first day of the rest of your life and you’ve already screwed it up.
A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You won’t feel a thing.”
If I ever meet Morgan Freeman:
Wanna just come back to my place and sit at the end of my bed and tell me a bedtime story?
Please. nobody has to know.
Look, when I said I would “do anything” to bring Eurydice back from the Underworld I obviously meant “besides walk in a straight line without turning around”
When a cop asks you to exit your vehicle, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you.
I know this now.
that moment when your spouse asks if you’re listening and yes is not the right answer but no is also not the right answer
“HR says I’m not allowed to play horseshoes in the hallway anymore. They say it’s dangerous and it alarms the tenants on the floor below.”
“HR? You don’t have a job.”
“Tell them that.”