Make new friends by waking up strangers with forehead kisses after they’ve fallen asleep on the train.
You Might Also Like
Why must I prove that I am me to pay my bills over the phone?
Do strangers call to pay my bills?
And if they do, why don’t you let them?
All I really hope for at this point is to never be in a situation where my flight number ends up the title of a movie.
When people say “May I ask who’s calling?” I like to say “Sure, go ahead.”
Meanwhile in Paris.. 🙏
[alphabet committee]
Boss: what are the vowels
Designer: a e i o and u
Boss: sometimes i think we need another one
Designer: why
Boss: ok
Happy Caturday!
me: I think I’m losing my marbles
proctologist: I’m finding them
eating lightbulbs and setting your own house ablaze are rare but serious side effects of this medication. contact your doctor if this occurs.
*aliens come to earth to steal our water*
[cut to]
*aliens running out of store with like fifteen evian bottles they didn’t pay for*
Plot twist: Dogs and cats do not adjust their clocks to Daylight Saving Time. Meals will be expected at the regularly appointed hour.
Her: Awww. Can I hold your baby?
Me: Of course. Here you go.[later]
Her: Can I see your phone?
Me: *eyes narrowed* Are you insane?
I like to make things awkward at family gatherings by walking up behind each person and whispering ‘I know what you did last Christmas’
We thought our son was excited for us to attend Back-to-School night so we could meet his teacher…Turns out, his actual excitement was bc he couldn’t wait to show us the bathroom stall he had carefully chosen…“to do all the pooping in.”
waiter: can i show you to the table
me: sure
waiter: here he is
table: [unimpressed noises]
I can almost always tell if a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs
i just went through my sons belongings and i think he might be cheating at chess
At the rate at which my kid’s school asks for money, they must think I won the lottery.
My 5yo just came out of bed saying she yawned so hard her blankets came off, and honestly that’s like, groundbreaking work in the bedtime excuses field.
me: i really like miley cyrus’s new cd
my kids: what’s a cd?
me: *dies of old age*
You should’ve seen the confused look on my neighbor’s faces when they came downstairs to a fresh pot of coffee this morning.
My resolution this year was to learn Spanish, and that only lasted about dos weekos.
Hey I worked for it too!
You bring an airhorn *one time* and suddenly you’re banned from bar trivia
I’m not surviving a horror movie…first of all, I’m not running anywhere
me: h—
bearded guy with a black & white avi: she was the one that got away; a snowflake in an avalanche, and i was outside the snow globe looking in
“Enter passcode to use Touch ID” – then what is the point of you Touch ID that lives on my iPad? WHY ARE YOU SO SCARED?
Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.
Doesn’t it alarm some of you that when ya leave the house a flock of crows follows everywhere you go.
Overhead my kids arguing about what color is the “tastiest” for a banana to be eaten. One said yellow with brown spot and the other said green.
First of all, this just proves that kids can fight about anything and secondly, both of them are wrong… It’s yellow.