Make new friends by waking up strangers with forehead kisses after they’ve fallen asleep on the train.
You Might Also Like
friend: where have you been all day
me: hunting shapeshifters
friend: maybe it’s time to turn in
me: [narrows eyes] turn into what
Bowser: Honey, the toilet’s clogged
Wife: Call someone to fix it
Bowser: *dialing number* Well this is gonna be awkward
my toddler is intentionally throwing food on the floor and then yelling “UH OH” which is maddening as hell and also uncomfortably reminiscent of my own process in life choices
Basically I stopped taking men seriously when I entered 2nd grade and learned they all went to Jupiter to get more stupider
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
There are few situations in life which have to be resolved with violence for example-
Mosquito on your ex’s cheek.
I’m not one to give parenting advice, but kids are a lot less likely to fight you on eating dinner if you don’t give them lunch or breakfast
if the bag is matte the chips are healthy
hacker: ready?
weapons guy: I was born ready
[25 years earlier]
doctor: it’s a boy!
midwife: where did he get nunchucks
“Are you an adult?”
Yeah, but not like on purpose or anything
Every time I think I’m childproofing by putting something out of reach my toddler is just like, ‘LEVEL UP!’
*about to rob bank
Me: you cool
Partner: as a cucumber
Neil deGrasse Tyson: actually cucumbers are room temperature
Me: why is he here again
Yes of course the covid exposure notices are scary, but nothing shakes me to the core like an old fashioned classroom head lice letter.
me: hi
sloth: HELL!!!!
me: ..umm [walks away]
sloth: ..oh 🙁
DATE: …so that’s how I ended up at Harvard Law!
ME: Sometimes I make a fruit salad in my mouth by biting into different kinds of fruit LOL
person: calm down
me: *calm immediately goes up*
Banning us to the couch is not as bad as you believe it is ladies. It makes us feel manly. Like we’re camping. With an angry bear close by.
The biggest issue with mass immigration is all those people are going to make Europe too heavy and it will sink into the ocean, and the see-saw effect will raise the far east into the stratosphere and launch Chinese people into space.
Why is no one talking about this?
(20s) ew this bar is full of old people let’s get out of here.
(50s) ew this bar is full of young people let’s get out of here.
How many coworkers have to ask you “what’s that pee smell” before you admit you’re wearing a new cologne?
Is it four? Please say it’s four.
I hate it when all of North America tells me I exaggerate
Me at 16: No one can tell me what to do with my life.
Me at 36: Someone please tell me what to do with my life.
GHOST: I’m here to warn you to change your ways before it’s too late
POLTERGEIST: I’ma open your cupboards
what’s wrong babe? you’ve barely touched your charcuberie
lmaaaaaooooooooo
We’re all lucky we didnt grow up in medieval times because most court jesters were murdered.
Her: I swear this car is jinxed. Every time I drive more than 10 miles something goes wrong
Car sputters as it runs out of gas
Looking at my incredulous face: See what I mean?
If you’re boarding first, dress casually. It’s no good unless everyone at the gate is surprised.