Make people question sincerity by adding quotations to your cards:
“Thank You”
Get well “soon”
“Congratulations” on the “baby”
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Woman on the phone congratulates you for winning “Unknowing Android of the Year.” “I’m not an android!” you protest. “Marvelous,” she gushes
GOD: This one is a giraffe.
ANGEL: That’s a long neck. They must make loud noises-
GOD: They have no vocal chords.
ANGEL: Dude… come on
Paramedic: *frantically beating his fist on my chest*
2nd paramedic: Tom…TOM…*grabs him* you can stop, he’s dead
Paramedic: I know, I just *exhales* hated him
Celebrating christmas in another country, santa leaves a chicken cutlet in my boot. “Is that good?” No one will make eye contact with me.
The roadside sobriety tests are really getting tough … now you have to name all the Kardashians while folding a fitted sheet.
Me: Can you get me more sports drink at the store?
Wife: Beer isn’t a sports drink
Me: I drink it while I watch sports.
Dispatcher: “The call is coming from inside the house!”
Me, moments from being murdered: “I have a landline?”
[stands in church]
Geese be with you
[hands neighbor a beautiful goose]
And also w/you
[he hands me a different yet equally beautiful goose]
Don’t be so critical of the human race. This is the first time we’ve destroyed a planet.
During a public forum, an audience member angrily called me a “stupid ***hole” and immediately others defended me yelling in response, “He’s not stupid!”
THEM: eat shit and die
ME: well, if nobody else wants any
Need some quiet time this Mother’s Day? Stick your toddler in the tub with a dissolved bath bomb and ask her to find it
A friend took a picture of me that made me look younger and thinner, so she’s my wife now.
MTV has ordered a reality show to follow a group of virgins. That sounds very interesting and riveting and get that camera out of my face.
you, an idiot: *eats a snack*
me, an intellectual: *snorts caviar*
If you don’t let me in the bathroom, I can’t guarantee your safety when you pee.
~dogs, apparently
i wanted som fried chicken but i didnt hav any chicken so i fried a egg and now im waitig for it to hatch
[speed dating]
date: what’s your biggest turn on?
me: wind turbines
date: ah i’m not a big fan
me: next
When I find myself in times of trouble. Mother Mary comes to me. That’s how I know the meds aren’t working.
“Ever wonder why Rice Krispies costs the same as quieter cereals?”
why would-
“It’s because they’re sold by weight-“
Dan, NO
“not by volume”
Me: huh why is Cinnamon Toast Crunch Shrimp trending
30 seconds later: I’ve made a terrible mistake
[Picking up a prescription]
Pharmacist: Wait. You’re Rodney Lacroix?
Me: Um. Yes.
Pharmacist: I’ve heard you’re funny.
Me:
Pharmacist:
Me:
Pharmacist:
Me: Well, right now I feel like I’m dying so can I have my prescription?
Pharmacist: omg you’re hysterical
“I’d like to raise a toast.”
*Levitates bread*
Do kids eat more under quarantine?
Since we stocked the house with food, my son is taking to eating like he’s being personally challenged.
APPLE GENIUS: [looks around nervously] if I had a criticism of this phone it would be that-
{trapdoor}
NEW APPLE GENIUS: that it’s perfect.
The reviews for Cats are in (17% on rotten tomatoes), and they are spectacular.
If pulled over, immediately ask the officer if they’ve been drinking in order to establish dominance.
I know for a fact that the devil exists because I have to pee real bad every time I finish chopping a jalapeño
My kids and I have developed an intricate system of hand gestures to communicate nonverbally. Our go to gesture is the throat slit.