Make people question sincerity by adding quotations to your cards:
“Thank You”
Get well “soon”
“Congratulations” on the “baby”
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Don’t cry because it’s over, scowl because you had to participate.
HIM: I’m sorry I spilled my drink, I ruined your jacket.
FIRST GUY TO WEAR A REVERSIBLE JACKET: *Trying very hard to contain excitement* Actually, you didn’t.
[hitchhikes]
[arrives safely and not murdered]This is bullshit.
Ah, quarantine. But first, I will meet up with 500 people at the grocery store to fight over beans.
Inmate: Did you bring a cake with a file in it?
Me: *holding file folder containing cake photos* I may have misunderstood.
Subtle cannibal alert: people who call their friends “peeps” around Easter.
[at job interview at NASA]
NASA: sir, you’re underqualified for this position.
Me: have you seen our president?
NASA: give him a spaceship
Every surgery is exploratory if you have no idea what you’re doing
My boss, Mr Yogurtson, just reprimanded me for not eating yogurt in a meeting
[looking at an old pic of me and my wife in college]
Me: Wow, you used to be hot
Wife: *death glare*
Me: …but not as hot as you are now
How to get your man to do push ups:
1. do push ups in front of him wrong
*Decision made
I was thinking of being narsysistic.
But I can’t spell it.
So I’m going to be vein.
how does a Matrix movie work in 2021? I’m supposed to be scared of living in a fake reality, trapped forever in 1999? Shit frost my tips and log me in
take me to the middle of the desert and just leave me there
My salad is dry.
That’s a problem that needs a dressing.
You seem stressed. Perhaps I can help by stepping on your computer’s power button
–cats
I’m a dad so I love talking about meat rubs but I’m also a 14yo so I giggle inside when I do.
I just saw a tiktok of Meghan Trainor putting tomato sauce, mozzarella, and pepperoni on a RICE CAKE and called it pizza. Nary a drop of Italian blood in my body but I am not ashamed to admit that I wept.
Optometrist: better or worse
Me: oh worse, everything’s definitely worse
When someone says “Idaho”, I still respond by saying “Udaho!” and I will never stop.
Clay shooting is like real life Duck Hunt, right up until you swing your controller around towards the crowd and they’re all like “PUT THE GODDAMN GUN DOWN, Alison!”
if i heard the mario coin sound whenever i completed a task maybe i’d accomplish more
*reading instructions on how to escape killer bees
“Run away, get inside, and turn off lamps so they’re not attracted to the lights.”
This is my action plan for avoiding neighbors, so I’m ready for this.
[me as a ship’s navigator in the 1740s] omg you’re gonna be so mad at me…but i think that was supposed to be our trade wind back there
No one lays down beats like Gaston, fills the seats like Gaston, when on Twitter nobody tweets like Gaston.
If you ever get locked out of your house, talk calmly to the lock.
We all know that communication is the key.
Movember is over, so this week anyone looking like a pedophile is actually a pedophile.
Son’s journal entry
💯 sweet 💯 inaccurate on all counts
I’m at that age where I’d rather finish a terrible movie than start another one because it’s 7:30pm and I may still fall asleep during this one.