Make porridge seem more glamorous by describing it as “Oat Cuisine”.
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Him: I’m a pilot. Got a degree in aviation, thousands of flight hours, a lot-
Me: I’m a pilot too! Hot air balloons.
Him: That’s really not the same at all, you-
Me: *pantomiming pulling a chain*
Him: How do you even steer?
Me: *shrugs* Anyway, we have the same job.
Me: How much for the doggy in the window
Store Employee: That’s Karen. She works here
For sale: car. Does not stop. You will have to jump in as I jump out. I have been driving this car for three years. Please help me
Doctor: How did you manage to get this stuck in your throat?
Me: (harmonica sounds)
In the Flirtatious Period, the dinosaurs did a hell of a lot of winkin’…
My family said if I don’t get a Facebook, they’d all get a Twitter
I sacrificed myself for all of twitter kind
I’m the Jesus of social media
ME: i’d like a Big Bacon Classic, Chili Cheese Fries, and Coke
CASHIER: sir, this is a Wendy’s
ME:
CASHIER: sorry it’s just a reflex, we get a lot of weirdos here
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: I think we’ll all still be using mirrors, five years isn’t that far off
Sometimes I just sit and admire the gray in my husband’s beard, how distinguished it’s becoming, and think “I DID THAT”
I may not be able to out run the zombies when they come, but this cheeseburger is going to make me taste great
Wife: Are you ever gonna use that workout DVD I got you?
Me: *defensively* I have been using-
Wife: Not as a coaster
Me: *sipping beverage* This is a sports drink
sometimes if i’m having trouble falling asleep i just pretend i’m watching lord of the rings
meeting the person who is training you at a new job is exactly like when a baby duck imprints on its mother. following them around clueless as shit. someone else will be like hey can you send this email and it’s like no i’m not sure i can. i’ve never done that without jeremy
In college if I needed more time to finish a paper I’d send a word doc with just like, pages filled with weird text characters and when my professor opened it days later, I’d be like oh the file must’ve been corrupted and then send the finished paper. I must’ve done it 50 times?
The name’s Bondjamesbond. James Bondjamesbond.
I’m not saying I could stand to diet, I’m just saying I did a few jumping jacks and all the car alarms started going off in the neighborhood.
“men are scared of powerful women,” I whisper to myself as my 14th tinder date of the month leaves me alone at the bowling alley with my hand stuck in the ball return machine
My therapist told me he doesn’t eat bacon or drink coffee, I told him he’s the one that needs a psychologist.
[Brings pot brownies to the PTA meeting]
– New playground approved
– All classes now held outside
[Dog asleep on rug] I once killed a bear with my own two paws
[Legs move wildly]
THAT’S IT I’M WAKING HIM
“No Henry. Let sleeping dogs lie.”
DEMON: [roars] KNEEL, MORTAL—IT IS I, BAELROTH THE SPOON-HIDER
ME: omg what’re u gonna do to me?
DEMON: were—were you not listening just now
Went on blind date, woke up in bathtub with kidney gone. 6 out of 10, would date again.
[drinking my 5th coffee of the day] imma put this body on vibrate
Randomly screaming and moaning in agony is a great way to get a seat by yourself on a packed bus.
I came across an account that only tweeted about fedoras, so I reported him for hat speech.
Movie Trivia: Cloverfield was just Khloe Kardashian on a shopping trip in New York
Did it hurt? When even autocorrect couldn’t figure out that word you were reaching for
channeling her this year