Make someone’s day better by not showing up for work
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Doctor: You’ve got high blood pressure & water retention. Do you know what that gives you?
Me: Boiling water?
Doctor: Ha! No,you’re dying.
Male penguins travel 50 miles by foot in subzero temperatures to mate but ok, thanks for these flowers I guess
her: why is the cat so sparkly?
me: I think she looks fabulous.
her: WHAT DID YOU PUT IN THE LITTER BOX?
me: you mean the glitter box?
Therapist: Why did you bring a lawyer to a therapy session?
My lawyer: You don’t have to answer that
AA Milne: Ok rabbit, we’ll call you Rabbit. Piglet, you can be Piglet
Bear: Wow, real original
AAM: [scribbles out Bear and writes Pooh]
Tell me again how your unborn child will not see a screen before she’s 8. I want to write down your exact words.
When I was a kid, I got mad at my brother and told him people whose names start with J don’t go to heaven, and my mom just looked at me and said, “Jesus”.
[Justice League HQ]
Batman: Hahaha *changes his HBO GO® password and doesn’t give the new one to The Flash*
I have the nicest shopping cart at Walmart- me flirting
My daughter just asked me how to spell bourbon so she’s either asking Santa to hook up her old man or writing a letter to child services.
Im going out tonight with my new friends, dont wait up!
*runs into the sunset with a pack of wild squirrels*
me: so where do you go to school
new babysitter: It’s private
me: oh *whispering* I won’t tell anyone
To find out your dolphin name, lick your finger tips and rub a balloon.
My 72 year-old mother just informed me she is going to her first “sex party” and doesn’t know what to bring.
After some delicate questioning, “Gender Reveal, Mom. It’s called a Gender Reveal.”
[space shuttle]
Captain: prepare for landing
Me: roger that
C: reverse thrusters
M: sretsurht lol
C: lol
*we smash full speed into the moon*
I’ve stepped on a Lego before so I’m calling bullshit on Godzilla and King Kong being that difficult to take down
*Quietly opens a bag of chips during a job interview
People who dip their pizza in ranch dressing have killed and will kill again.
On my tax form I checked the single box but added “and looking”.
*horror movie
“The calls are coming from inside the house!”
“Can you find out from where? I want some chips but I’m too lazy to get up.”
[traffic stop]
Officer: Ma’am, why didn’t you pull over as soon as I flashed my lights?
Me: Oh, I can’t see a thing without my glasses.
[tv, watching a gymnast eat it on the vault]
Me (tripped over a slipper in the dark once): I know exactly how she feels.
*whispers to an avocado*
“I’m the good kind of fat, too.”
For those who are Struggling with English:
Don’t = Do not
Won’t = Wo notFollow me for more advice…
Food puns are my love language
…what, they make me corny.
What idiot called it a witch hunt and not the War on Seance?
I use these ( … ) a lot.
For which, I believe, the technical term is Dotty Dot Dots.
My ID expired so I can only go to the liquor store where they remember me: the one where I asked the cashier out and threw up on the floor.
Had a dream that someone was gently rubbing my forehead with sandpaper. Woke up to find my cat gently rubbing my forehead with sandpaper.