@whereami18: Make someone's day better by not showing up for work
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@GingerHotDish: Daughter: Do you think Freddie Mercury and Edgar Allen Poe would get along? Me: Huh? Daughter: Cuz he's just a Poe boy from a Poe family.
@caliraingirl: Everyone should have that "tester" first twitter account to screw up and learn from... You know, kinda like that first child you have.
@slimmy_shady: When I have a daughter I'm naming her Leroy. No guy will ever say "Yo bro I hooked up with Leroy last night" how would that sound?