Make someone’s day better by not showing up for work
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[2011, pakistan, seal team 6 enters the compound]
“chief, something has brought the boys to the yard”
bin laden [making a milkshake]: SHIT
when you burst out your jeans
and then eat human beings
you’re a werewolf
a fat bumblebee keeps bumping into the window trying to get inside and ignores me explaining that outside with the sun and fresh air and flowers is where he wants to be so I’m holding my laptop up to the glass to show him I’m doing my taxes and convince him this is the bad place
waking up to good morning texts from your partner is great and all, but have you ever woken up to a message from Amazon confirming that your package will be delivered today?
Coworker: *sneezes*
Me: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: *stabs them in the neck with a pen*
Technically, it’s not road rage once you pull into their living room.
Falling in love is like Falling Ketchup from a Bottle.
At first slowly, and then all at once.*The fault in our Jars*
“Do you know what the fear of belly buttons is called?”
“Omphalophobia.”
“Why do you know that?!?”
“I studied at the Navel Academy.”
A gentle reminder that all your panic buying will be going out of date soon. Enjoy your 36 egg omelette, you fat wankers.
Me: Eat your dinner.
6: But my belly hurts.
Me: Okay then you can go lay down but no treats or snacks later.
6: But I’ll feel better then.
Practice safe sex and have sex with a vampire. Vampires are, by default, all about consent because they have to be invited inside.
Phone
Me: *confused* You’re still making toast?
Mom: I made toast but I knocked the plate over — but it landed right side up! The toast didn’t even touch the ground!
Me: Oh good
Mom: Then (her dog) ran & he brought it to me like a toy! In his mouth. *sigh* So I’m making toast
If I don’t duck my head when I drive into the parking garage what’s gonna keep my car from hitting the ceiling?
Me: *walks up to table next to mine in restaurant*
Are you done with that yet?
Her: We said no.
Me: But I need a green crayon for the tree.
If you let an idiot convince you that he’s the smartest man in the world…
Maybe he’s not the only idiot.
I once got a bonus onion ring in my fries at a restaurant that didn’t serve onion rings if you’re wondering who’s top shelf around here
We’ve been having a problem here at work with guys spending too.much time in the restrooms. Not to get out if work but because the air conditioning in there is fantastic.
-tweet sent from stall #3
if you’re havin girl problems I feel bad for you son, I got 99 problems and they’re all bottles of beer on the wall
Missing those days when “hemorrhoids” was just a challenging word to spell.
Just caught my cat stealing my bank card off the table and now I regret telling him all my pin numbers ‘just in case’
DATING TIP: Don’t reply to texts right away or you might look desperate. Just wait. Give it 5, 10, maybe even 15 years. Keep things casual.
My daughter has recently become deathly afraid of our cat. So I’m going to have to get rid of her. At least I’ll have my cat to comfort me.
Griddle me this!!
– Batman villain ordering breakfast.
If some guy wearing a bulletproof vest mocks you, shoot him in the arms so he can’t take it off, haha who’s laughing now fancy vest guy
Australia is like someone’s still playing jumanji
The best part about Halloween is seeing people in costume doing normal shit. Just saw a Dracula standing by a car eating potato chips.
[GOD CREATING DUCKS]
Give that chicken a kazoo.
Brings a particularly tough steak to a knife fight.
IDEA: UberQuiet. You pay a little bit more but your driver never says a word to you.
Wheel of Fortune contestants in Canada should get to buy more vowels.