I’m sorry I thought your dog’s name was Maverick and your kid’s name was Cooper
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my dog: LEMME OUT
me: you gonna bark?
dog: I HEAR THINGS LEMME OUT
me: what things?
dog: OMG THE WIND LEMME OUT
me: you don’t need to bark at the wind
dog: YES I DO CAN’T YOU HEAR IT BLOWING OUT THERE AND MAYBE IT WANTS TO PLAY OR BLOW THE HOUSE DOWN OR OR OMG LEMME OUUUT
My mother’s maiden name is Password.
I’m glad school taught me the Pythagorean theorem instead of how to do my taxes. It came in really handy this Pythagorean theorem season. 🇺🇸
Will you be my 14th most used emoji?
Me: If Obi-Wan’s clothes remained after Vader killed him, then why wasn’t ghost Obi-Wan naked?
My date: [to waiter] Check, please.
Why do I have to answer security questions to pay my bills?
Ohmygod please tell me there are hackers out there trying to pay my bills….
How DARE you go the speed limit in a situation like this…
~Me, to anyone with the audacity to be in front of me when I’m running late.
ME: we’re gonna crash I thought you said you could fly this thing
HER: no I just said that I do pilates
ME: *sighing* fine then call one of them and see if they can help us land
Boss: It’s a little strange that you’re only sick on Fridays…
Me: I have a weekend immune system.
My sister made pancakes and after devouring 5 of them, she tells me
“It rises in the yeast and sets in the waist” 🙆🏾♀️🙆🏾♀️
The Internet makes things so convenient. Before it existed, if you wanted to order a DVD online, you had to invent the Internet.
[dinner time]
ME: *puts baby in a lifeguard chair*
WIFE: not that high
[Studying for his history test]
10: I wish I was born in the 1800s
Me: Why?
10: I’d have less history to learn
The sock thief who lives in our dryer has developed a taste for masks.
The guy blaring the self help CD at the red light in the rusted car with no bumpers wasn’t amused when I said, “I don’t think it’s working”
I don’t think Major Tom was much of an astronaut – Ground Control had to tell him to put his helmet on, FFS. That’s pretty basic stuff.
people that say “on another note” probably use a lot of paper
If I don’t come when you call my name just rattle a bag of chips
More light at the end of the tunnel,
Less on-coming train.
ramen noodles. roman numerals. raman numeroodles.
My idiot doctor tried to tell me I had a concussion, so I told him triangle bananas.
For this Halloween I’ve trained my eyebrows to leap off my face & destroy those who’ve angered me.
“I got expelled”
How?
“I wrote 2+2=41 on the whiteboard”
Ok that’s dumb but-
“So my prof told me to go back up there…”
Oh no
“and rub 1 out”
Whenever I type ‘drink’, autocorrect changes it to ‘drunk’. It’s like it can predict my future.
On Average, ovulating women prefer rugged & masculine men.
Menstruating women prefer men duct-taped and on fire.
[couples therapy]
“Have you tried sexy lingerie?”
me: yeah but it just creeps her out.
Me: Man, I’m tired of hearing about politics.
The universe: Cool, here’s nothing but Taylor Swift.
i did the math and a second job would help me get out of debt as long as i start it twelve years ago
I’m wondering how far I can go with this guy on Hinge who seemingly has no idea we went on multiple dates last year. The sex definitely won’t ring any bells but meeting my brother again might.
i remember one time i flew spirit and there was a medical emergency and the flight attendants asked if there was a doctor aboard and this old man woke up from his nap and said “ain’t no doctors flying spirit”