Make sure to make eye contact with the hottest person in the room as you stuff a burrito into your mouth
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pregnant wife: what should we call it if it’s a girl?
me: herbert
pregnant wife: but what if it’s a b-
me: himbert
I may eat animals, but at least I wait until they’re DEAD.
Plants are ALIVE, vegans.
You disgust me.
7: We should probably sell our pets before they get old and die.
I guess I know which of my kids is NOT getting power of attorney.
Have you ever been driving on a highway and afraid to exit the off ramp because it’s a sharp turn and the roads are full of snow so you just keep going until you hit Florida?
Me: I’ve got a preposition for you…
English teacher: I’m listening
“WE ALREADY HAVE IT!”
ME: What do we want?!
“TIME TRAVEL!”
ME: When do we–oh
Ever wonder what happens when you piss into a Brita filter? Well, for starters, you get a TON of emails from Airbnb.
House arrest? Some people are so freaking lucky!
Damn it, my wife found the guy who’s been sneaking in at 11pm is the donut delivery guy. Guess I should stop pretending I’m having an affair with him.
Me: This is a beautiful flower arrangement
Host: That’s a salad.
Just got myself some new
memory foam shoes.Maybe now I’ll remember
why I walked in the room.
Cop: you failed to obey the stop sign
Me: I got lost in the music
C: what song?
M: I’d rather not say
C: what song?!?
M: I saw the sign
[determined not to have any awkward silence during date]
“so, what’s your favorite part of a banana?”
Age 21: Goes out for drinks after 9 PM and gets home at 2 AM.
Age 37: Has one tiny little sip of water after 8 PM and has to get up and pee three times before 2 AM.
Me: [trying to hide a dead body] you gotta help me
Hamburger Helper Glove: THIS IS WAY OUT OF MY LANE MAN
bringing a sharpie to IKEA and adding more dots to the names of their products
I’m not saying one of my kids is “more difficult” than the others, but so far my oldest wants a remote control car for Christmas, the youngest wants a stuffed unicorn, and the middle one has requested a dinosaur egg so he can raise and train his own velociraptor from birth.
What do you call a Mexican who lost his car?
Carlos.
How many children do I want to have? Kind of a weird question for a first date, but umm I guess enough to finish the temple
Mankind is capable of unimaginable feats of engineering and yet the windows on the airplane never line up with the seats.
The mystery is not do spiders poop.
The mystery is where do spiders poop.
Scream sneezers need love too.
[new hire intro]
BOSS: this is Jim. You’ve been here how long Jim?
JIM: next year will be 10 years
ME: *rising from my cubicle* so 9 years
If you haven’t told your kids that wine is made out of whiny children then congratulations I guess you’re a better parent than me.
Those stupid stress balls don’t work!!!… I just ate one, and it got stuck in my throat… And now, I’m more stressed than before!!!
Angry Birds for Olympics: Instead of hitting two birds with one stone, here you can hit two stones with one bird.
Facilitator: Any questions about the sexual harrassment course before we start?
*raises hand*
Me: Is “harass” one word or two?
F:
Me: Thx
My toddler had a meltdown at bedtime because her pajamas were “too comfortable.”
It’s a rough life.
I don’t tweet about my boss because I don’t wanna be a suspect when he disappears.
Today’s mission to embrace your inner child, bite a stranger throw a tantrum and take naps