@NotARatsAss: Make sure to stand in the middle of group photos. It will be harder to crop you out later.
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@Sickayduh: [woman on death row] "Your last meal?" - I don't care. You pick. "Fish?" - Gross no "Steak?" - No. Anything is fine tho. "Pasta?" - Ew carbs
@craiguito: If your partner says "if anything happens to me, I want you to meet someone new," "anything" doesn't include getting stuck in a traffic jam
@KKAlThani: "Dad, how did you fall in love with mom?" "Well, son, long story short I saw her picture on Instagram and it was love at first...filter."
@BackrowSeats: In an alternate universe cats feed humans Lean Cuisines while muttering "I don't know how you eat that shit".