If you feel yourself getting bored because you’ve spent too much of your day in bed, just roll to the other side. It’s like a fresh start
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[Alligator feeding at the zoo]
Me: Hey let me do it
Keeper: 1st time?
M: Heck no
*alligator takes me by the arm*
I WAS JUST BRAGGING SAVE ME
You don’t scare me. You’re not those two minutes when I can’t find my wallet.
Tequila is made from a plant so you could say I’ve been vegan so far this weekend
ME: What would you like to name your new cat?
KID: Dog.
ME: But it’s a cat.
KID: That’s the cat’s problem.
My coworker replaced her chair with an exercise ball to “work her core.”
I’m eating a giant chocolate chip cookie for breakfast.
I win.
Who needs human contact when you can just cuddle a pile of clothes fresh out of the dryer
If you like buying other people food and bribing them to eat it, then having kids might be for you.
Best bird cliques…
A “murder” of crows
A “flamboyance” of flamingos
A “fall” of woodcocks…aka dudes who realize they’ve been catfished
Moses was technically the first person to download files to his tablet from the cloud.
Today I threw away an empty Amazon box that’s been sitting on the floor for two weeks, so that means tomorrow I’ll have a need for that box.
Why is America trying to bomb the lady who lives in my iPhone she seems nice
[wife explaining to me how deaths in movies work]
So the actors really don’t die?
“No”
So is Abraham Lincoln really not dead?
*she sighs*
“Wait, let me explain..”
it is my belief that rhinos and hippos are husband and wife
They say the camera adds 10 lbs.
Looks like fast food added the other 40.
pregnant wife: what should we call it if it’s a girl?
me: herbert
pregnant wife: but what if it’s a b-
me: himbert
I’m at my quickest when I try to follow someone out of the bathroom so I don’t have to touch the handle.
They bad news is my teenager is running a fever; the good news is he’s still feeling well enough to make “yo mama” jokes.
You ever drive around with an old person who knows where everything didn’t used to be?
This is Bill
Bill has a wife
Bill isn’t scared of his wife & says what he wants when he..This is Bill’s wife
Bill is no longer available
Son: Dad, can you help me with my math homework?
Me: *googles ‘math’*
dog: *snickers*
priest: *sighs*
“Well, I guess I’ll stagger around, speak gibberish, & touch all the shit I’m not supposed to while you get irritated.”
Drunks & toddlers.
I don’t gamble. I don’t do drugs.
I guess my only real vice is Twitter. Well, that and lying about gambling & drugs.
Is it wrong when your therapist invites other therapists to your session, wine is flowing, appetizers are served, and he says to you, begin?
Currently blackmailing the IT guy to extend the wifi coverage for my new hiding place at work.
if you stab somebody “over a chicken sandwich” you were destined to stab somebody over something, someday. on this day, the wheel of fortune just happened to land on delicious chicken. don’t blame the chicken, baby.
[Naming Days Meeting]
Guy 1: We need a name for the last one.
Guy Who Named Wednesday: Sudnaday?
Guy 1: Not one more goddamn word, Barry.
Little known fact:
If you eat a Tide POD™ you will poop out the secret of how to fold a fitted sheet.
A car says a lot about the owner. I have a KIA which tells people I have bad credit.