one more hotdog left who wants it [jesus speed walks across jeff’s pool]
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me: whatcha guys watching?
10: oh this old timey dinosaur movie
The Land before time. They were watching… The land before time…
“Accountant jokes are funny but don’t really apply to me…”
~All accountants
Baby Geese are called Goslings and baby Vampires are called Gothlings.
A turn signal, but if you use it, your car catches on fire
~ the guy in front of me, apparently
BREAKING NEWS:
Sting has been kidnapped.The Police have no lead.
Jimmy Bathwater, 27 of Howdon, pleaded guilty to roundhousing a seagull out the sky. He was fined £300 despite how impressive that sounds
what if mayonnaise was like peanut butter and either creamy or crunchy
Make your daily standup meeting shorter
I can’t believe I have appendicitis in the middle of a global pandemic. this is legit funny like can my body read the room one time???
My kids are having fun in that “Someone’s going to the ER” kind of way.
My credit card was declined and when I called Visa they asked me to verify that I was a 39 year old man buying a unicorn frappuccino.
“Do you want to be the numerator or the denominator tonight…? You’re so radical!” How I hit on my imaginary mathematician girlfriend
[standing in front of Stonehenge]: is this all it does
[holds out handful of sliced cheese]
pick a card
Prayers for my teen who has a long, uphill battle overcoming her mom hugging her at the bus stop.
If every human in the world jumps off a mountain we’ll probably eventually evolve to fly.
As his name is not “Biggest Bird”, we are to understand that Sesame Street is home to at least one, perhaps more, truly immense unseen birds
If I were a cashier I’d pretend people were waiting in line to kiss me.
*joins Buddhist monastery*
*withstands 21 years of brutal kung-fu training*
So, vending machine that didn’t drop my funyuns. We meet again.
Me: I’m not interested in this tweet
Twitter: Idgaf
I bought new running shoes. They look really good while I sit outside and smoke
Be kind or be quiet. As the old saying goes, “If you can’t say anything nice, then you get the duct tape.”
Slave: I know a way to escape
Hipster slave: My friend Harriet has a better way. You probably haven’t heard of it. It’s really underground.
Anyone else notice your clothes only get caught on door handles when you are already angry or annoyed???
NEW YEAR’S LOGIC
1. The planet is passing through an arbitrary spot on its unceasing orbit around the sun.
2. Time to lay off chocolate.
Farmer: You’d like to exchange nutrient rich manure for my agricultural expertise?
Me: Yes. Shit for brains, if you will. Lol.
Me: why can’t I lose weight?
Also me: only leaves the house for events involving cake
Writing a personal ad. So far I have:
Has all own teeth
Amazon is a $250 billion dollar company that reacts to you buying a vacuum by going THIS GUY LOVES BUYING VACUUMS HERE ARE SOME MORE VACUUMS