Make sure you don’t forget the ‘R’ when you’re Googling, “movies of Gary Oldman.”
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Friend teaching me how to flirt: You have to lick your lips just a little, make it look sexy.
Me: Like this?
Friend: No, not like that
Me: How about now?
Friend: Please stop
Me:
You ever rub yourself with tuna and go to a cat shelter to seem like you’re a cat whisperer?
Doc: We’re gonna need a bigger straightjacket.
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
I’m the master at playing ‘The floor is lava’
*Lies on the couch*
My mom was the best mom. I hope your mom spends today thinking about what she could’ve done to get on my mom’s level.
Raid™: For when you don’t want to kill ants, but want to make them late for something.
How do you tell someone that they’re not smart enough to manipulate you, without hurting their feelings?
God saw you put ketchup on your steak and He is NOT happy.
[Driving by a massive pile up]
SON: Look at all the different colours of cars in the crash.
ME: It’s a collidascope.
SON:
WIFE: It’s too early in the day to hate you this much.
Nothing like the door blowing off a plane to make us all appreciate a road trip
If my mother only knew the things I say on Twitter………. I’d be sitting in the corner with a bar of soap in my mouth and grounded.
They say to do something that scares you everyday so I hosted an outdoor birthday party with 12 kids under the age of 8 while wearing a white t-shirt.
[i get pulled over]
cop: have you been out drinking?
me: uh yeah, i’m 28, i’ve been out drinking literally hundreds of times
I installed a bike rack on my car so my neighbors think I do something else besides stay drunk.
I guess it’s time to start acting my age. Seriously when I was born, the Dead Sea was just sick.
Me: *scratches another tally mark into these prison walls*
Boss: stop damaging the office walls!
[about to invent the button] this is going to be so cute
Guy: Why ride a rollercoaster when you can ride me?
Me: Because a rollercoaster can actually make me scream.
*Job Interview
Me: “Thanks for meeting with me”
IKEA Manager: “My pleasure. Have a seat”(Sees nothing but a pile of finished wood, quarter inch screws, and an allen wrench)
Me: “What…”
Manager *starts timer*
Yes I run a porn site. It was an accident.
MY WIFE DIVORCED ME BECAUSE SHE DOESN’T BELIEVE MY TESLA AUTODRIVES ME TO THE GAY BAR AND THEN TURNS ITSELF OFF, CAUSING ME TO HAVE TO SPEND 4 HOURS IN THERE ASKING FOR A RIDE HOME
I asked my 5yo niece if she was behaving and she told me that she was “behaving as good as a banana does” and now I have so many more questions
me: you’re only giving me this job because i’m your husband, this is nepotism
wife: shut up and take the trash out
How do you even keep up with current trends if you don’t have a teenager in your life to ridicule your choices?
Why did the man with no hands go to the doctor?
Because he didn’t feel well.
“i want a liquid in my mouth but i want it to arrive in a tiny tunnel” – inventor of the straw
Did it hurt? When even autocorrect couldn’t figure out that word you were reaching for
*opens a bag of popcorn at your intervention*
Ima weiner. Damn I meant winer. Dammit I’m a winner. Hucked on fonics it made me look like an moroon.
Give a man a roll of toilet paper, he wipes for a day
Give a man a CVS receipt, he wipes for a lifetime