Barney: I love you, you love me
Me: *rolling over in bed* look I thought this was a no strings thing
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I bet everyone had that one weird uncle who taught them how to do weird stuff like forage for berries or catch upstream salmon in their mouths and sleep for 6 months at a time just like my Uncle Bear
ME: These frog testicles are delicious!
GIRLFRIEND: Those are peas.
me: i’m proposing to my gf
sonic the hedgehog: that’s awesome man
me: i need a ring lol
sonic: *nervous* haha
me: *pulling out a baseball bat*
Everyday is talk like a pirate day if you’re committed and annoying enough
Thanks for saying ‘on your mobile’ in your bio, for a moment I thought you might be tweeting like me, from a calculator in the psych ward
How long can one listen to a kid talk before it’s officially considered a hostage situation?
I can’t wait for this whole ordeal to be over, so my favorite pizza place can go back to rubbing their bare hands and feet all over my pizza before delivering it to me, like the good Lord intended.
1. Go to police station 2. Say a gang mugged you 3. Describe your own relatives to police sketch artist 4. Claim free family portrait
“Should I vomit at 1am or 3am? Maybe both.”
It’s not politically correct to say Retarded, we say Politician now.
Legally, you don’t actually have to ever stop screaming.
Of course, I’m an active listener. I walk away briskly every time you open your mouth.
[creating scorpions]
satan: hey god, can I borrow that lobster for just a second
I can’t stop thinking about what my sister took away from Endgame
I’ve made a lot of bad decisions in my life but I never ate candy corn on purpose.
having birthday sex is kinda like having sex to celebrate your parents having had sex
[at the gun store]
Me: I’ll take that gun & a box of ammo
Clerk: that’ll be $250
Me [with a gun & a box of ammo]: no
Hi, I’m pleased to announce that I’ve arrived just in time to make everything worse
“What do you mean “He used his mind?”
“I mean he never touched the gates. He destroyed them with his mind!”
“Oh my god…we’ve got a mad telekinetic duck on our hands. Get me the president!”
7 year resume gap marked “Not Drugs”
[at a party]
Host: may I take your coat?
Me: nah I’ll be needing that in about 10 minutes
My cat and I made a best friend pact tonight. If I die first, he won’t eat my body. Or if he dies first, I won’t use his skull as a cup.
4: Mommy hear me count to 10,000
Me:
pantsless bc the day after international women’s day means women are half off
Friend: I don’t have sex until the third date
Me: ok brag that you get to the third date
“I want to swim with an overweight, rich white guy before I die.”
– Dolphin bucket list.
In high school we had a thing called Ethics Day put on by Chick-Fil-A where they would give out coupons for free chicken sandwiches. My friends and I found the book of all the coupons and stole it. The devils of Ethics Day.
[Bethsaida 28 AD]
BAKER: Such a huge crowd…I’m gonna sell so many loaves
“Five loaves please”
BAKER: Huh?
“Jesus is here”
BAKER: Sonuva
FUN GAME: when someone tells you the name of their new baby, repeat it back to them, with their surname, and say “Like the murderer?!”
If you startle me, I blow up like a puffer fish and roll away.