Parenting Pro Tip: If a 5 year old says he needs a potty stop, or he’s going to take a dump in the minivan, he’s not making idle threats
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My car broke down today. It confessed to a series of hit-and-run murders back in 2006.
Therapists listen to anything you wanna say. The other day I was like “there is so much hair in the world and I feel like we could be doing something powerful with it but the hairdressers won’t comply” and my therapist just nodded
My term for half of a 13×9 pan of brownies is “dessert”.
My term for the other half is “breakfast”.
I always thought a fortress was a female fort.
[Home invasion]
Me: isn’t there anything ELSE you want to take?
Burglar: lady I told you I’m married
You better pray to whatever god you serve that this email finds you before I do
According to the stores .I should be in a Halloween costume, sitting under a Christmas tree eating turkey . I’m so confused.
We’re out of milk.
Eh, kids can drink water.We’re out of bread.
PB&J on hot dog buns it is!We’re out of coffee.
WHAT. Get my keys.
Me: I’ll cook
Fire department arriving 7mins later: Jesus Christ, again?
ants can carry up to 5000 times their body weight?? pfft. watch this- *goes to stomp an ant but it grabs me & slams me thru a picnic table*
Freddie Mercury: “Hey Brian, what rhymes with scaramouche?”
Brian May: um… Fandango?
Freddie: “Perfect!” *snorts another line of coke*
A man threatened to sue a magazine for using his photo in a story about all hipsters looking the same — only to learn it’s not him in the picture
I want to live in a world where the plural of moose is mooses.
Pan Left To Soak Now Predates All Current Roommates
The Amazon algorithm? More like a buyological weapon, amirite?!
My 4yr old has started prefaceing questions with, “but don’t say no” and he’s got a lot to learn about disappointment
Random person outside of Target: is it ok if I pray for you?
Me: sure! While you’re at it can you pray they never find the knife and blood soaked clothes I buried? Kthanks!
ME: welcome to my man cave.
PROCTOLOGIST: please stop calling it that.
[Michael Cera being repeatedly asked by a librarian to speak up]
Me: Go to bed
5-year-old: One more question
Me: Fine
5: Who would win if Luke Skywalker fought Harry Potter?
Me
5:
Me: Get some coffee
ME: [plucking chicken] Who lets their eyebrows get this bad?
CENTAUR: My dad slept with a horse
MINOTAUR: My mum slept with a bull
PIGOTAUR: My dad was Prime Minister.
If my dad were still alive today I’m sure he’d be really pissed off over that whole cremation thing.
Since they added those little mirrors on the ATM, I now get to see what having insufficient funds looks like on my face.
Quiz host: Your topic is music
Me: Yes!!
Quiz Host: Which Imagine Dragons song starts quietly followed by the singer yelling the chorus?
Me: You’ve got to be kidding me
Some people bite their tongue, I have to bite my fingers to keep from replying to some stupid reply.
but if rugs were made out of bread then all the food you drop would just become a sandwich over time
I’ve been using special shampoo and I’ve noticed my hair is stronger, it benched 240lbs the other day
[first day of zoology class]
me: what fighting style do geese use?
professor: excuse me?
me: pandas use kung fu, what about geese
professor: i don’t think-
me: tae swan do
{my first day as a football announcer}
wow those guys really want that coconut there must be a genie inside. ok back to you, Fronk