Make sure your blind date from the internet has a big car. Nothing worse than a trunk with no leg room.
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New mom looking at a photo of their newborn: Isn’t my baby the most beautiful creature ever to exist?!
Same mom looking at same photo a decade later: Why didn’t anyone tell me my baby looked like gollum?!
Not even the staff thought I’d be getting out of the hospital this early – I snuck a peek at my chart and the nurse had written “unusual discharge”
No thanks Ice Bar. If anyone wants to get me inside a freezer they’re gonna have to murder me first.
Me: oil change plz
Toyota: it’ll be $39
Me: cool heres my $2 off coupon4 hrs later
T: ur steering wheel fell off total is $2900 sign here
[answers batphone] Hi, thanks for calling the batcave. This batcall may be batmonitored or batrecorded for batquality batassurance batpurposes
“Don’t take this wrong but…”
Me: Ima stop you right there. I hate you just the right amount.
Please don’t ruin it.
Get rid of the “quality check” section on the Domino’s pizza tracker. I know what I’m getting myself into here.
If you tell my dog he’s getting a treat and forget, he will stalk you until you remember. We came in an hour ago and I just figured out why he’s been following me around and staring at me like I’m made of bacon.
Relationship status – table for one but drinks for two
I wanted to have sex with Uma Thurman until I saw her toes in Kill Bill.
Purgatory is like approaching a flashing stoplight. The light at the end of the tunnel is blinking and no one knows what to do.
Scientist: The outside of your phone is the dirtiest thing in the world.
Me: Lol, you haven’t seen the inside.
To be fair, if I had a friend who could turn water into wine – I’d worship him too.
My dog just puked on the floor.
5yo: MOMMY, LOOK!
Me: Eeeww!
5yo: We are just gonna have to move now!I like the way this kid thinks!
My husband just called to ask me what aisle something is in because he won’t ask for directions in a grocery store either.
Girl, are you any art project I made as a child? Because you don’t look great and my mom is having difficulty pretending to like you.
Your kid is old enough to drive, lady, get him out of the shopping cart.
This why you should mind your business
Just realized that the group therapy I attended weekly for three years was actually the waiting room of a local optometrist.
Read a magazine at the doctor’s office so I’m all caught up on Clinton running for president. I don’t think Bush can beat him.
Her: The next person that tells me to smile is not gonna know what hit them.
Wedding Photographer: and if you could all look at the camera…
*uses Mr. Clean magic eraser to wipe off your drawn on eyebrows*
bought wrong eggs
A co-worker is retiring, so they’re passing a card around filled with cash. I only took $10 but normally my signature is worth much more.
I don’t know why they invite me to an Easter egg hunt, then freak out when I turn up in camo gear with my rifle.
Tom Cruise is short for tomato filled cruise ship
Emotions? No thanks. I’m trying to cut down.
Rocket scientist: I don’t impress Shania Twain
Brad Pitt: I don’t impress Shania Twain
Guy who has a car: I’m gonna try my luck
[JOB INTERVIEW]
It says on your CV that you are a magician, can you show me?ME: *Points on CV to where it is says I am a magician*
Typos are what differentiates is from robots