Make sure your first place together is on the ground floor, so when she throws your stuff out the window, it won’t break.
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Before joining Twitter I thought I was stupid. But now I’ve realised I’m not alone.
Nothing says you’re failing as an Asian like your waiter discreetly handing you training chopsticks.
the most bizarre thing about scientology compared to any other religion is that it was founded by a guy named “Ron”
[phone call]
me: son, your mother’s in hospitalson: is it because she works there as a doctor?
me: *long pause* yes
son: stop doing this
[first day as a security guard] this painting needs eyes
People should throw rice at baptisms and not weddings that little baby is all wet and needs help drying.
watching shogun with subtitles off so i can feel like just as much of an outsider as the white guy
In our house, we have mandatory family time where the four of us can only text each other.
instead of valuable antiques, my mom passes down my childhood pastel poofy-sleeved 80’s outfits so my kids can carry on the family legacy of looking stupid
Nothing inspires me more to get up every morning than my full bladder.
heavy rain in Los Angeles is a great way to find out that every roof in the city has apparently been purely decorative this entire time
Me: Scientists have discovered a nearly 900,000,000 year-old fossil.
Child: Was it the skeleton of your childhood pet?
Me: Things like this are why no one likes children.
Gangs should do drive-bys with t-shirt guns it’d be less violent & the shirt could say “you suck” so the target still gets the message
The toughest part of dating a doctor would be how they’re always 45 mins late for dates because the 7 dates they had before yours went long.
Canadian owl: Eh?
Sees cute guy in the parking. Drops something so I can bend over & do the sexy hair flip. Forgets I have short hair. He sees me as seizing.
Vacuumed a section of carpet 20 times before I realized I was trying to clean up a patch of sunshine.
Intellectual powerhouse.
Right here.
What do I “do for fun”? I’m an adult. It’s a good day if nothing breaks in my house, I don’t need Ibuprofen, and my favorite laundry detergent goes on sale.
3yo: I want to help!
Me: You can help by being quiet.
3yo:
Me:
3yo: I want to help in a different way!!!
Just bought a thesaurus at the store and brought it home to find out the pages are all blank. I have no words to describe how angry I am.
– How was school?
4: Trenton said his dad likes to go outside and fight lions
– laughs
– oh honey– nobody would name their kid Trenton
I let my toddler play with my phone today so now everything is in Spanish and I have 273 pictures of her left hand
There is nothing more important to me than my family that I pretend to have when I order takeout over the phone.
My favorite part about playing video games with my kids is
WAIT WHICH GUY AM I
HOW DO I JUMP
WHAT’S HAPPENING
What I say: “Agree to disagree”
What I really mean: “You are dumb and I will allow you to stay that way”
sitcoms would be a lot more believable if they had 5 loads of laundry waiting to be folded on the sofa
What if Creature From the Black Lagoon’s real name was Gary and “Creature” was just a mean nickname he got in middle school
saw a garbage truck with the tagline “our business stinks, but it’s picking up!” pretty good imo.
Me: I wish I was the most beautiful person in the world.
Genie: done.
Me: *checking in mirror* But I still look the same?
Genie: yes, but just wait until you see everybody else.