I don’t make the same mistake twice.
I make it at least 5-6 times to be sure.
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Kid: MOM WHERE ARE YOU
M: upstairs
K: WHERE?
M: upstairs
K: UPSTAIRS?
M: yes
K: UPSTAIRS OF THIS HOUSE?
M: what the? yes
K: ARE YOU UPSTAIRS
Can you write off a divorce as a home improvement expense
WIFE: what’s going on?
ME: [locking the door] I haven’t had an apple in 3 days
DOCTOR: [outside, stethoscope in hand] I can hear u breathing
One horribly inappropriate comment and you’ll never be shown another baby photo at work ever again. Totally worth it.
[job interview]
BOSS: Describe yourself
ME: Can’t you see me?
Interviewer: Tell me how did you hear about this job?
Me: Through sheer desperation and boredom, I applied to 215 jobs in 8 days while high and you responded
Don’t believe cartoons. No matter how hard you throw a toilet plunger, it won’t actually stick to someone’s face.
what most people dont know is that you can use the trick or treat system to get large amounts of candy for free
My toxic trait is checking my phone at 3am like there’s going to be something good waiting there.
*drops a couple pew-pews from my finger guns into the offering basket at church*
home depot ceo: [incredibly high] let’s sell the largest skeletons
LIFE HACK: If a public restroom is locked, violently yank the door handle over and over like a gorilla and never accept that it’s occupied
Keep yelling “dance!” and shooting at my feet, tough guy. I studied tap for 9 years and you’re going to look like an idiot.
“how come you never post me?” i only post jokes on here babe and you not a joke to me
Beware…..
*washes your smart car with a moist towelette*
My Kid: (handing me balloons) Daddy, can you make balloon animals?
Me: uh…sure… I can make an eel, or a snake…
My Kid: I want a poodle.
Me:…or a worm…
My Kid: POODLE!
Call me a hopeless romantic, but there’s nothing like a candlelit dinner to obscure the rodent droppings in my storage unit.
A reality show, where you spy on your suspected cheating significant other, called Baewatch.
*At the local breakfast restaurant
Server: And how would you like your eggs, sir?
Me: Reese’s
*Looks around nervously* The steam from my pasta is ungluing my chest hair toupee and the other mafia bosses are taking notice.
[flicks cigarette out window]
submarine captain: you fool!
5yo [pulling a baby hat out of a drawer]: Why do we have this? Is this for when we have more babies?
Me: Ye-
Husband: NO MORE BABIES.
BRAAAAAIDS
-zombie sleepover
wife: Why is 9 crying?
me: Because it’s raining and he’s getting wet
wife: But we’re at a water park
me *takes a drink from my flask* Yep
I fell down the stairs earlier but thank god my dogs were there to wag their tails and step on me
The only reason I watch political speeches is cause I’m hoping there’s gonna be a sniper.
Can I go out and do drugs tonight dad?
EXCUSE ME?!
*sighs* MAY I go out and do drugs tonight dad
*snaps newspaper* that’s better
Uh oh…
Calling someone a drama queen is so negative. Why not “content creator”?