Make up for past mistakes by frequently repeating them in new and astonishing ways.
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i don’t delete messages just incase someone wanna lie about may 20th 1984
I see Netflix changed The Punisher’s origin to have his family killed by the government instead of him getting bit by a radioactive punish.
I just watered a few plants so I’m ready to open a landscaping business.
2019 – Go home, you’re drunk.
2020 – Get drunk, you’re home.
Me: Time to give the undergoblin the Ol’ Razzle Dazzle…
Gynecologist: We’ve talked about this…Please, stop.
ME: Say “Anagrams are stupid” one more time & I will rearrange your face.
YOU: Anagrams are stupid.
ME: You farce.
“You are what you eat” I chant furiously, shoving another roach in my mouth. Mushroom clouds keep growing in the distance
Them: Go big or go home
Me, 30 mins later, in my bed: This is nice
Letting my son turn the pages when we read together so he’s more engaged with the story and also because sometimes he accidentally skips pages.
my grandpa: i used to take 50 cents to the store & come back with a new pair of shoes but u can’t do that today
me: inflation, right?
my grandpa: security cameras
for $5 i will write “yikes” under one of your ex’s selfies
DATING TIP: pull out her chair at dinner & whisper “that’s not the only thing I’ll be pulling out” then pull out her napkin like a gentleman
Son: How does this end?
Me: Well, some people go to heaven, but others go to hell where they are tortured forever in a horrifying apocalyptic wasteland
Son: No this movie
Me: Shrek marries Fiona
Me: I’m going to start the day early tomorrow.
WebMD: In the morgue.
*pretends floor is lava*
*looks around*
*slyly pushes homework onto the floor*
The 5 most important things to teach my kids:
1. be honest
2. show respect
3. be true to yourselves
4. be kind & generous
5. be humble
6. to count
ME: [on my deathbed] this is pretty nice
MATTRESS STORE SALESMAN: sir, you can’t die here
[One hour past bedtime]
[3 year-old yelling from his bed]: PAPA!
Me: YES?
3: [Points to chair] Sit with me.
Me: I would LOVE to but the monster, that eats kids who don’t sleep, hates that chair being warm.
3:
Me [Finger guns] Goodnight kiddo.
I have 7 TV controllers on my coffee table. All are decoys.
The real controller stays on my person at all times.
I hate handshakes. The bones really mess up the blender and the knuckles are hard to swallow.
Looking for a nice bog witch to settle down with
Found $12 bucks today!
Well, it was in my daughters purse, but I figure she owes me at least $50,000 by now.
Standing at life’s crossroads: embarking on a master’s degree in business economics or getting a neck tattoo. Both equally boost employability in today’s market.
Me: release the kraken!
Friend: what’s a kraken?
Me: Not much what’s a kraken with you? lol. no but seriously a lot of people are going to die.
I don’t have kids, so at night, my dogs lovingly place shards of bones instead of Lego’s on my path to the restroom…
If McDonald’s was smart they’d serve breakfast until 2pm on the weekends.
Can’t. Busy deleting 1,500 Black Friday emails from companies I haven’t purchased anything from in 10 years.
I’m so glad I had a kid so instead of relaxing in the bath, I can have someone explain Minecraft to me in painful detail.
I just want a time machine so I can show up at the Salem witch trials with an iPad.