@agenteo: Make your daily standup meeting shorter
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@NicestHippo: If you're going to call people who aren't yet born "the unborn" then you have to call people who aren't yet dead "the undead"
@Mr_Kapowski: Even if you're single, always blame a declined credit card on your fictional spouse at the register.
@Book_Krazy: Mommy what's an "Act of God?" Me: *Flashback to my CrossFit trainer* Well dear, an "active god" is in his mid-20s and has a smokin hot body
@dumbbeezie: Way down on the bottom of the twitter user licensing agreement in tiny font it says "Say goodbye to your family"